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4 Simple Ways To Get Your Wife In The Mood

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If there is one common question that resides in the minds and hearts (and pants) of men, it is this:

How do I get my wife in the mood for sex?”

Let’s be honest: we men can be a little greedy. It’s not always good enough just to have sex with our spouse.

We want them to actually like it.
We want them to “want” it.
We want them to be in the mood for it.

But this is sometimes—oftentimes—more difficult to accomplish than one might think.

After all, women are very different from men. You probably have heard this saying before but it’s true:

Men are microwaves, while women are slow cookers.

In other words, most women don’t get turned on by the flip of a switch. Usually it takes some stage-setting and, dare I say, strategy.

But how do we do it?

Unfortunately there are a lot of lazy husbands out there. Guys who just expect sex but who don’t want to invest in the process. Maybe that’s you, and if it is, let me just say: grow up and stop being such a tool.

However, we do live in hectic culture. With work, kids, and the like, it can prove difficult to lay out a well-conceived, well-executed plan to get your sweetheart in the right mood and in the bedroom.

So with that in mind, I want to give you four simple things that will help you get your wife in the mood:

1. Do the dishes.

Listen, one thing I’ve realized is that for many women, acts of service are huge on their love language list. This is very true with my wife. (If you are unfamiliar with each others’ love language, I suggest this terrific marriage assessment tool).

Telling her “I love you” is not as powerful as showing her “I love you.”

So when I do things like cook dinner, clean the shower, vacuum, or do the dishes, I score HUGE points with her and help my case for an evening of good loving.

Hint: Cooking dinner might seem a little extravagant for a few of you. In that case just start with the simple things like dishes. Seriously, if you can’t do the dishes for sex than you just don’t deserve to have it.

Print2. Get her flowers.

Yes, it sounds cliché (that’s because it is), but some flowers now and then score points with the Mrs.

In my wife’s case, gifts are not a big deal. It’s not a top love language for her. But flowers? Especially for no reason? Those are welcomed.

Everyone likes a surprise.
Everyone likes a gift now and then, especially when they aren’t expecting it.

Hint: Guys, go out and buy some flowers, NOT lingerie. Something simple. Something pretty. You just want to say, “Hey I was thinking about you today.” (Side note: If you have a daughter, bring her flowers, too. That will be awesome for your daughter, and your wife will like it as well.)

3. Tell her she’s great.

This is a not-so-fancy way of saying “affirm” her. Your wife needs to know what you think about her. (Of course if you think she’s a nagging wench, you might want to skip to point 4 and also read a different blog post and maybe go see a counselor.)

As men, we generally aren’t very big on talk. My closest friends don’t need to text me or call me every day to tell me that they think I’m great and are thinking of me.

Honestly, if they did, I would worry.

But your wife is a different story. She needs to know that you love her.

She needs to know you find her desirable.
That you think she’s attractive.
That she’s a great mom.
That you are proud of her.

Got it?

Don’t fool yourself and think she already knows. She doesn’t. Tell her she’s awesome and that will boost her confidence, which will often boost her “mood.”

Hint: You may be forgetful like me. Cheat. Set a reminder on your phone to text or call her. It works. Eventually it will become a habit and you won’t need the reminders. I’ve done it myself.

4. Touch her, but not like that.

Seriously, guys: NOT LIKE THAT!

This is the funny thing. Many women want physical touch, but they want it in a different way than most men.

They want to hold hands. Maybe a casual back scratch or absentminded playing with their hair. They want simple acts of physical intimacy.

They don’t want you grind your crotch against her while she’s trying to cook dinner. Seriously guys, that’s an injury looking to happen and are you really going to have sex on a hot stove?

Hint: Try doing this when you are with the kids, at the mall, or in church. I’m not talking about a demonstration of full-on PDA, but just a simple, quick touch. You want to show her intimacy when the connection to sex isn’t so obvious. Simply put, don’t wait until bedtime to do your handholding.

Now I know some of what I have said here is a bit humorous but it’s all true and very practical.

The bottom line is this: If you want to get your wife in the mood you need to love her more.

You need to show her you care through simple acts of kindness and intentionality.

Consistently.

If the only reason you do these things is to score in the bedroom then you are on the wrong track and the results will not be what you hoped for.

The reality is, you can’t be lazy.

There is no quick fix.
There is no magic pill.

Love her better and love her more. Being a good husband is the ultimate secret to getting her in the mood.


fightingformymarriage-05 Don't give up on your marriage. It is worth the effort and investment. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, or even failing, there is hope. There is healing.

Fight For Your Marriage Today!

 

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  • Madelyn Lang

    I’m sorry to say this, but if I see “do the dishes” one more time on a list of things husbands can do to put their wives in the mood…
    This facile advice is so wrong in so many ways.
    Nowhere in a wife’s psyche does a man doing housework equal desire. There is no connection. My husband could do all my work for ten years and it would have zero impact on whether I wanted to be intimate with him. We’re supposed to be so overwhelmed with gratitude that he washed some dishes that it causes us to want to give ourselves to them? Think about it.
    This advice taken to its logical conclusion suggests that a wife’s level of desire for sex is simply a matter of deciding to want sex; it’s a matter of persuasion. That if a man appeases her enough, she will consent. In the best, most loving marriage, a wife may find herself frustrated by the fact that, even though she wants very much to please her husband–wants to want to—many factors may make it difficult to feel it.
    Please don’t promote this awful advice.

    • Madelyn, apparently you need to reread the post. “Doing the dishes” or any act of service/expression of affection is not about appeasing … its’ about serving. It’s about speaking in a person’s “love language.” In fact I make the specific point that if the only reason you are doing these things is to get sex your thinking is all wrong. READ THE POST.

      • Madelyn Lang

        Your caps are unnecessary.

        Perhaps I wasn’t as clear as I thought. I would ask you to reread my comment.

        Of course every husband ought to be kind, considerate and selfless toward his wife.
        Men are called to serve their wives. Women are called serve their husbands. And a relationship which is characterized by selfless service and genuine affection is probably one which is physically potent as a result. Of course. But isn’t getting up early in the morning every day to go to work and provide for his family service enough?

        The logical implication of the service suggestion is that if the man learns his wife’s “love language” and performs the right acts of service, even with the highest and most unselfish motives, a wife is likely to respond with physical intimacy. Is this not the logic?

        My real point was that this is simplistic and misleading. The assertion that helping with the housework is likely to result in changing a woman’s mood is a myth. If only it were that easy. There is no connection between such acts and the sparking of physical intimacy. A woman’s desire is a tricky thing, and there are aspects of it which are difficult to direct by the will.
        My husband has a said, “He’s worth the effort; she’s worth the wait.” In other words, women and men are different by design. The differences in desire are built in for good reasons. One of the reasons is so that we can learn to love unselfishly where it really counts.

        • Nicole Ramirez

          No its not enough. Men and women both get in routines and forget to acknowledge and appreciate one another. I liked the article and can understand what he is saying, but of course everyone is different in their relationship needs, that’s where communication comes in😉

    • guera

      him doing the dishes turns me on. i guess every woman is different.

      • Anthony Gentry

        Yep – I work 2 jobs, do the dishes, wash clothes, cook, clean etc….I have less sex than most of my friends. My wife has unrealistic expectations to say the least

    • Erin

      I think the idea he was going for is “do little acts of service”… I can actually tell you, on our anniversary I came home from grocery shopping and he had cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and that meant more than anything else he bought me/ did for me on for our anniversary. It also indicated to me, that he wanted to spend time with me when I came home, because he knew I would have to do that before I could relax with him. Exactly as some others have mentioned, everyone is different. Perhaps paying attention to how your wife receives love is a big part of this.

    • Jerry

      What do you suggest? A lot of criticism on this comment, but no solutions. What advice do you have for me struggling with wives who have not made the choice to want to have sex with their husbands.

      • Peter

        Women do not know what they want. So this is why they will never ever tell you directly I want this and that. Instead they use general words like “I want to feel loved” And they don’t even know how to feel loved what is behind those words what action should a man take. Good luck ! 🙂

    • Dean Michael Osborne

      I see this is an old post
      But I thought I’d respond anyway
      I don’t think it’s awful advice
      Me and my wife have been struggling for a while
      We are on the mend now
      Basically we had a very ‘old fashioned’ relashionship
      I worked long hours and never knew when I’d be home
      And hated my job
      My wife was at home with the kids
      I was like an extra child and didn’t do anything at home
      I rationalised this as I was working long hours
      So in that scenario if I had took the advice it would have been a massive help to my wife not a ‘turn on’ but it would have shown I cared
      But I feel the problem is and we have dealt with now is that articles like this assume the woman would do the dishes and the man will do them for these ‘rewards’ be they in kind or in bed!
      My wife now works full time
      And I now am house husband with part time work and I can see everything how she saw it now and am not suprised she got the hump!
      I still struggle with ‘expecting’ some thanks
      I still feel like I’m doing things ‘for my wife’ as opposed to for the family

    • Mike

      Really,you are that difficult and complicated. Your poor husband. I do agree though, I work at home as a programmer to help my wife. He does little to nothing and still does not appreciate me,unless I take her on a date with no kids. I think women have this stupid idea that romance should be the same after children and years later. Woman are selfish and childish in the U.S.. Really though, I do everything house work,watch the kids and program for a company at the same time. She still complain of doing so much, even though she wakes at 10 AM, and I am up at 5 taking care of the kids and working my job. You U.S. women are slobs.

    • MM

      What do you suggest then?

  • Nicole

    This is so stereotypical! Not every woman is the same. This lists does not apply to me as I am sure that it doesn’t apply to every woman. Just like its sererotipical to say that men wants sex all the time. Believe it or not my husband and mines roles are reversed.
    You would think that someone who has a page on marriage would know that the more you take time to really know your spouse is truly the only way to know that person specific 4 ways to turn them on.

  • Nicole

    I will say though that I do hope this helps some people but also know that not everyone is going to take to those 4 ways.
    I do realize that my post looks like it is blasting and that is not my intention.

  • AJ

    Rolls eyes at unnecessary nitpicking, even among Jesus lovers… Eat the meat and spit out whatever you consider bones. Obviously, the author knows it’s not a one rule applies to all. You can see that in his language. And even if he did, is it so difficult to walk away with “Acts of service, showing instead of saying, surprises and gifts, verbal affirmation, non sexual contact, loving more, being consistent and not being lazy”?

  • Carl, thanks for calling husbands to love their wives. ‘The reality is you can’t be lazy.’ And yes, there are some wives who have health conditions or other issues that may make it near impossible to ‘get in the mood,’ and for them they need to seek medical attention. However, sometimes a more loving marriage is the only aphrodisiac you need.

  • These are great tips! Even if these ideas don’t result in a ready-to-go wife, she will appreciate the care and attention (and maybe she’ll be ready later). 🙂 Thank you for putting together this list.

  • Phil

    OK, what else do you have? Have been doing all of this consistently for years and our love life has still dwindled to the point of about twice a year. Got any other ideas to remain “emotionally attached” when there is no “physical attachment”?

    • Phil, these are just tips that focus on love languages. Every person’s situation is different. Some are far more complicated than others. Read the post 8 reasons my wife won’t have sex with me on this site. That being said, the biggest thing is you just need to talk about it. Even push the issue (of talking) without being a jerk of course. These things can take time and some really tough discussions to get flushed out.

  • Johnnie

    Thanks. For me I am the giver and my husband honestly don’t know how to give. Oh, I believe he loves me but, there is no giving here. Lazy! All of the things you said not to do, that’s my husband. He feels as through I am suppose to give, give and give but there nothing in return. I have been married for 35 years. I have given my all and he still don’t know what he need to do. I tired!

  • Tiff

    Carl I truly appreciate your input. Heading this come from a man is quite surprising. I read some of the comments, and very surprised at the women who took offense to your article. The women in my circle, although we are going diverse, with different background, different careers, etc
    It is cLear that we all want the same things from hubbies, acts of love, everything Carl stated lines up with acts of love. As wives we all know what our husbands want and how often they want it, most men are not afraid to tell us that much, so now the goal is for me to please me and in return I need him to please me too. Women are usually more emotional than physical, note I said usually and that does not mean women don’t have a large appetite for sex, it just means hubbies have to stroke our emotions if they want us to stroke their________ (u can fill in the blank) .

    • Thx for the thumbs up. It took me some time to figure these things out 🙂

  • DC

    How about just talking, one thing I can recall is the conversations we had when we were friends and dating! They were real “get to know you!” My wife Samantha and I been friends for 19yrs and married for 18yrs and we get so overwhelmed with life: kids, bills, work, health and even helping others that we lose essence of our mates. Before, I was medically retired from the Army, it was come hurry up help the kids do some chores around the house eat Church go to sleep. I feel it’s that time where you just spend with each other talking about how you feel, tell what your thoughts besides what can we do for the kids how to pay the bills.

  • Dis Gruntled

    I’ll tell you what would do it for me. Don’t do the dishes. I can do the dishes. Climb on the roof once a year and apply sealant around the chimney and vents, so that THIS house doesn’t fall down the way the last one did. Stop valuing your hoarded things more than you value my peace and comfort. Oh, and when I’m sick, don’t follow me into the bedroom at 11PM and ask me if I’m “feeling better” when you have not shown a sign of caring about that until this moment, when you think you are going to lose your “sex window.” And don’t buy me flowers when you know I haven’t been to the dentist for two years because we mysteriously only have money to add new movies weekly to your DVD collection. Oh, and keep misidentifying my love language as “physical presence,” in spite of being told over and over what it actually is, so you can justify sitting there in front of the TV or computer like a big lump of marshmallow cream, all evening, every evening. Never mind. It’s 25 years too late for any of this. I’m already gone, and there’s not a chance I’ll ever marry again.

  • Denise Hillyard

    #4 for the win. Nothing kills a female sex drive faster than constantly having it made plain to you that you’re only valued if sex is involved.

  • Matt

    What is your advice to the husband’s out there that do all of this stuff on an almost daily basis and get virtually no affection from their wives? Forget about sex. I am talking about a kiss, a hug, an “I love you”. What advice do you have for them?

    • Anthony Gentry

      Maybe your wife was spoiled rotten as a child? Expecting everything with nothing in return?

    • Peter

      If you tried everything for long time like few months then do the opposite. Focus on yourself and your development to be better and more attractive. Try to surround yourself with other woman (but do not cross the line!) So she could see that she might lose you and see how it its if you are not around doing all those nice things for her. Ofc you guys talked about your feelings?

  • gail

    this hit the nail on the head. too bad he’d never read this.

  • Anthony Gentry

    Hahaha. I do all of those and it doesn’t make a difference.

  • Anthony Gentry

    How about an article or movie where the wife is the problem????

  • Nc

    Ok so,I work more hours bring home more money I cook I clean rub her back buy her gifts always make her feel loved but yet… I can’t get through I know I’m not bad in bed but it seems like she’s just not interested in me anymore. Any suggestions???

  • Patrick

    Maybe I shouldn’t say this because most women won’t agree with me but why is it that when you’re dating/living with a woman sex is not a issue. It’s when you say ” I do ” is when sex is a problem. I’ve talked to a lot of men that say the same thing. When it is brought up in conversation the subject is changed or ignored. Worked, kids, everyday stuff was preexisting so this sounds like lame excuses that just don’t won’t to be addresses.

  • Jason

    OK mate. I guess you’ve cracked the code for some desperate women types who are pining for attention. Truth is any guy/girl would be ready to make love as long as they truly love each other irrespective of the amount of work they need to do around the house. Any of the partner has the ability to deny sex to their counterpart for any reason. Women generally tend to victimize themselves here more than men. There’s no real solution to these. Love lost is Lost Love – partners just need to learn to live with it.

  • Norman Franks

    I do way more than the dishes, it’s more than housework, I think I treat my wife very well. I support her career, to the point that I took a back seat to hers, I compliment her always, I buy flowers, I try to eliminate her stress at home, and so on, but it comes down to this, some people are not into sex! Kids, careers, and life drain us, and although my libido has not decreased, hers has and this is life. I could be depressed about it, but life goes in cycles and hopefully at some point our cycles meet again. It’s not me, it’s not her, it’s not a lack of love on either side, it just is what it is.

  • David Neufeld

    Lol, bullshit, cleaning house, for sex… ha lol Ill do the dishes, but not for sex. I bet you anything that the writer of this article has been divorced atleast once.