When my wife Ashley and I interact with couples online and in person, we’re seeing a common trend…So many issues in marriage can be traced back to frustration, miscommunication or dysfunction about sex. It takes much more than a great sex life to build a stellar marriage, but it’s nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it!
Sex is a complex issue and there are many more than four pointers involved, but I strongly believe these four truths below could instantly clear up some misconceptions and bring some immediate improvements to your sex life and the rest of your marriage too.
In no particular order…
This generalization isn’t true for 100% of men or 100% of women, but we’ve found this holds true in most cases and this difference in the God-giving wiring of men and women has caused so much miscommunication and frustration related to sexual intimacy.
This difference requires BOTH spouses to be willing to step outside his/her comfort zone to serve the needs of the other spouse.
If you wait for both spouses to be equally “in the mood,” it will almost never happen. Both spouses need to be willing to serve each other to create the mood as often as possible.
Learn more about this by checking out our popular video course on sex and intimacy in marriage by clicking here.
2. Deeper TRANSPARENCY outside the bedroom leads to deeper INTIMACY inside the bedroom.
Sex is much more than just a physical act; it was created by God to be an emotional and even spiritual moment of connectedness. When the first married couple was created (in the Bible’s book of Genesis), they were “naked and felt no shame.” This picture of nakedness wasn’t just to illustrate the physical nakedness between a husband and wife. It also paints a vivid picture of the emotional and spiritual nakedness a married couple should enjoy.
It means looking at your spouse and saying, “I have nothing to hide from you. I have no secrets from you. I have no hidden passwords, problems or purchases I’m keeping from you.” Secrecy is an enemy of intimacy. Be completely open, honest and transparent in all parts of your marriage and your sex life is one of the many parts of your marriage that will improve!
3. Keep your FANTASIES focused on each other. Don’t just be PHYSICALLY monogamous; be MENTALLY monogamous too.
We live in a world where sexual imagery is EVERYWHERE. Porn is rampant. “Romance novels” have become porn without the pictures and the sexually-charged themes all around us threaten to desensitize us to experience sexual intimacy in its sacredness. Jesus taught that to look at a woman lustfully was to commit adultery with her in your heart. We live in a world where mental adultery happens every second, so let’s fight against it. Your thoughts will shape your sex life. What happens between our ears impacts what happens between the sheets!
4. Don’t forget to have FUN!
In case you’ve forgotten, sex is supposed to be fun! Don’t let it become another chore to check off your list. Be creative, be spontaneous, but also find times to plan ahead for special ways to build anticipation. Meet at home for lunch and have more than just lunch! Get a hotel room every now and then. Keep exploring new ways for your sex life to enhance your fun, your friendship and your connectedness with your spouse.
Don't give up on your marriage. It is worth the effort and investment. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, or even failing, there is hope. There is healing.