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8 Reasons My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me

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When I wrote a blog post called “8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me” I got a lot of great feedback from it and it was viewed over 300,000 times on the first day alone. But one question I kept hearing afterward was: “Could you write one for women and explain to me why my husband won’t have sex with me?

Sure. Sounds easy.

Right?

I asked a few friends for answers, and most of us just scratched our heads. Men who don’t want to have sex? Overwhelmingly, we heard this was the case and women wanted answers.

Now, I don’t speak from experience on this one. I am always up for sex, so I looked for thoughts on this topic from some friends, including Dave Wilson, Adam Palmer, Shaunti Feldhahn, Dave Willis and Jon Kitna.

Just like my first post, this is not a definitive list by any means; I’m putting it out there to hopefully encourage you talk about this stuff with your spouse. If you can be honest and open with your spouse about your sex life, you can often get to the bottom of this without even reading this blog. If you don’t know how to talk to each other, enlist a counselor to help you learn how to communicate.

Before I hit the list, let me offer a couple of statistics:

A recent survey of couples discovered that those who said they were fulfilled sexually had sex on average 2.5 times a week. So that’s something to think about (especially how you can get that 0.5 every week).

According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, defined as making love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it is definitely one of the best ways to maintain intimacy (Tweet This!).

Okay, now let’s look at the list of 8 reasons your husband won’t have sex with you:

1. No  Man Wants To Have Sex With His Mom. This is all about respect.   No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him. If you are always on him, critiquing and complaining about what he does or doesn’t do, then he’d probably rather have sex with himself because he knows you aren’t satisfied with his performance in the bedroom, either. There’s a lot more where that came from.

2. He Doesn’t Feel Wanted. Men want to be wanted. In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, 66% of men said it is very important that they feel wanted by their spouse. Getting sex wasn’t enough by itself—just like wives want to be wanted, husbands also want to be wanted.  Your desire for him is a huge foundation that helps him have confidence in his daily life. I also talked about this in the last post a bit, the games couples play with sex about who initiated last time and all that. If there have been times before in your marriage where you have turned him down, then he just might not have the guts to initiate sex out of fear of rejection. I mentioned this last week and said that this was his issue and he needs to lead, but hopefully this helps you understand why he is not wanting sex and it could be he doesn’t want to get rejected again.

3. He’s Dealing With Medical Issues or Depression. It’s very possible your husband has some kind of medical issue or depression that he just doesn’t want to deal with. We men… we tend to be pretty terrible about acknowledging our weaknesses, even when they’re affecting us and making us lose our appetite for sex. As some of you know, I was sick for months this past year. One of the medicines I decided to take (out of the several that were prescribed) knocked me out at nighttime and left me barely able to wake up in the morning. I noticed that if I took this pill before bed, I had no desire for sex and couldn’t even get it up. Yeah. My wife actually laughed when this happend and then I grabbed the bottle from the bathroom and showed her that was a side effect of the medicine. That was the last day on that medicine. Anyway, there are several different issues your husband could be dealing with medically that effect his sex life and drive. It might be time for a trip to the doctor.

4. Flannel Pajamas Suck (Tweet This!). Let’s just be honest: guys are visual and if you aren’t putting any effort into what you look like and making the bedroom an incredible place to be, then he might not be turned on. Life happens—aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain—you’re not going to look the way you did when you two first met. Fortunately, the deeper we love someone, the less importance we place on the exterior and the more we focus on the interior. That said: It doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact, like resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, or actually putting on some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. My friend Shaunti and I are writing a book called Visual, talking about the visual nature of men, and she mentions men’s “visual rolodex” (or to update it: “visual hard drive”) in her book For Women Only. Wives should be the default image on their husband’s visual hard drive, so make a commitment to take care of yourself as best as you can—maybe you’ll inspire your husband and the two of you can work together to get a healthier lifestyle—both physically and emotionally—and make yourselves visually exciting for each other.

(71.3% of men in the U.S are obese or overweight compared to 68% of women. So, guys you got to work on this even more then your wives)

It will pay off big-time when you’re naked in bed with the lights on.

5. You Pay More Attention To Facebook than to Him. Maybe this is just me, but it seems like most men I know are done with Facebook. If it isn’t Facebook, it will be something else next week but come on, already. The comments, the posts the likes, the shares… put the damn thing down for a bit and connect with the person in your bed. Words with Friends, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and all these other things have crept into our bedrooms and become a distraction. Now, guys are not immune to this problem – in my house it’s ESPN and my “girlfriend” (my wife’s nickname for my laptop), so make an agreement that, after the kids go to bed, you put everything away and try and connect with each other.

6. He’s Getting It Somewhere Else. Studies show that most (not all) guys need sex every three days or less. If you aren’t having sex anywhere close to this frequency, then I would have to wonder where else he is getting it—either through an affair or through porn. Don’t go hiring someone from the television show Cheaters just yet, but do have a frank discussion with him about the possibility. Most guys or gals will lie when confronted as well, so these are not just easy conversations to ask once and just accept it and move on. Dive into this and get to a place of honesty—and don’t be afraid to enlist a trusted counselor for help if you need it. (And if it’s porn, we can help. Here are some resources you can check out to point him to that help.

7. His Walls Are Up. In the same way that wives can put up walls, so can husbands. While men tend to be fairly good at compartmentalizing their needs, it’s still possible for an issue to build up to the point where it creates a wall. It can be a major issue in your relationship or just in your personal life that affects the two of you relationally, spiritually, or physically. It could be your own depression or physical health, or a change in character that has him wondering what’s going on. Whatever it is, look for signals to talk about it, then run toward that conflict and deal with it. It may be hard, but it’s worth it. Talk. Listen. Then listen some more. Own up to anything you might need to take responsibility for, and remember you’re in this together.

8. He’s English and Prefers Gardening to Sex

I hope this helps. I really hate to see married folks not having sex—even terrible sex is better than no sex (Tweet This!). And if your sex is terrible, that just means you get to practice more!

Get to work.

 

This article was originally published here and is used with permission – http://www.xxxchurch.com/spouses/8-reasons-my-husband-wont-have-sex-with-me.html

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  • brandonkerr

    Or, maybe it’s because the wife turned him down enough times that he has enough respect to have turned himself off to you. It’s hard for a guy to turn back on if he actually had enough willpower and self respect to turn off in the first place.

    • Eryn

      That’s not how it is in my marriage. I’ve never rejected my husband. We didn’t have sex before we got married, and on our honeymoon he rejected me several times. I cried myself to sleep many times throughout our first year of marriage, because he would reject me. It’s hard that most things say it’s either the woman who is sucking all the desire out of her partner by nagging or not being attractive enough, or he’s having an affair or he’s gay. There’s not much support for women with husbands with low libido

    • Lesley

      How come any time a wife is neglected sexual it must be the woman’s fault?

      • BigEinBigD

        It’s not…but it’s also more common than you’re willing to acknowledge, too.

        It is certainly the case in my marriage; after years of rejecting my advances for a plethora of reasons, I just stopped trying. I focused on myself instead; I got into the gym…lost weight…gained muscle and tone…even completed a half-marathon. I got better at my job…two promotions within a 3 year period. I took up new hobbies that I enjoy spending time on. I was the happiest I’d been in a very long time. In fact, I still am.

        Then one night as we were having a drink at a restaurant’s bar waiting for our table, a woman briefly flirted with me while my wife was in the restroom (I’d forgotten my wedding ring in my car because I don’t lift with it on and I met my wife for dinner having come straight from the gym). In a stroke of pure timing/luck, I was able to thank her but tell her that I was married…jesturing to my wife who was approaching us, looking concerned.

        That was over a year ago now. Ever since then, she has ratcheted up the efforts to lure me. It’s not because she wants to make love. It’s not because she desires me. It’s not because I attract her. It’s because, suddenly, someone else was interested in what’s her’s…that stirred a territorial response in her…and she wanted to protect what’s hers. That kind of desperation is anything but attractive or endearing.

        I’m not interested in an affair in any way, and I’m quite confident that she is not either; it goes against both of our personal and religious convictions on the matter. However, I also haven’t made an attempt to initiate with my wife, and do not plan to. Frankly, I’m happier without it, and if I’m to be completely honest, I just don’t have the drive/urge for it anymore anyway. God loves every her…she still tries, and yes…there are arguments about it often. She’s begged for forgiveness for rejecting me all those times, but there is nothing to forgive her of in my view.

        They say sex is a basic human need…like food, water, and sleep. If you’re not hungry, then it’s normal to turn down food when offered. If you’re not thirsty, then you’re not likely to go chug a gallon of water on a whim. If you had a good nights sleep, then the last thing you want to do upon waking is go back to sleep. So why is it then, in a case like mine, I’m supposed to have sex when I’m not aroused or interested?

        • Caroline Snider

          In 2001 after telling my husband to wait until we could have a family in peace in the community without him forcing what he wanted at work through UAW seniority disrupting lives. I finally tried to offer a sex life Any vacation time he anted. The thanksgiving and Christmas holidays off. We would not even ask him to use his personal time to take dates to replace the holidays at a later time. I said If he just waited two weeks he would have everything he wanted the last 16 years and we could start a family without rancor with the community I said he would be free to marauded through lives as he saw fit. He basically told me it was another promise I was not intending to keep Like with Charlie brown running up two kick the football I would yank the ball out at the last second as I had done many times since we married.

          I found myself that morning of November the sixth thinking the men that wanted my husband to pull his bid were nearly fifteen years younger and he was going to get his rear kicked over that bid. We however did not take into account his training in two services His workouts of the last five months and what they were designed to do. In October a female friend commented that My husband was very fit for a 46 year old with a six pack in his belly and 49 width shoulders. I watch those men think they had my husband at their mercy when he hurt them bad with his bare hands Left all four badly hurt. and he was only with a small bruise on his shoulder.

          Rebuked about broken promises, Insulted about my breaking my word and the shock of that morning felt in his workplace when he told people he did not care what their political and family connections were he was going to fight all the way to have his rights as defined in seniority. Eight years of intimidation and the retaliation for those and Me and his father were canceling his trip on the Orient express To Allow a young man with 32 years less seniority have a honeymoon with his 4 month pregnant bride. He had Not had but six days since 1981 he did not punch a clock and those six days were to recover from a Brain Tumor removal In 2001 He was supposed to be off work 60 days for recovery. I did not know what to do I was pleaded and begged with on one side by his father and others and I had a husband always angry about no sex, no time off, and had started to hate me for not standing against his father and the community In getting Him to Just Take what was offered for him and like it> With him he would not use what he considered was his time Personal time to replace holidays or take his vacations in the mid winter months Several Friends got him Down and at pistol point they made him let them toss him out with his coat Stetson and gloves and told him he had no rights there, He went and saddled his horse Got His 30 30 out of his safe and holstered it and attached his grandfather’s lariat to the pommel I thought He was going down the road and select a place to hit with his 30 30 from beyond pistol range. out of the dark. I was going to get him to come back in and eat wherever he wanted because he had already ruined the day by no cooperation. I was nearly hit with the door flying across the room. His father was looking very scared because the lariat was around his neck and he’s telling the man that told him he had no rights to go ahead pull his pistol he could clean his brains off the wall behind him later He made everyone leave and gave me the option to with his father.

          I lost my friends that Christmas night They wont have any thing to do with me until I rid myself from him. I never wanted His life to become as it did with Him revenging himself on every interference or use of force in his life. He wont listen to me. Last year We and our three year old and my mother and sister and her husband all spent Christmas at the most isolated place on earth. A family Cabin High in the Mountains even though its beautiful there the isolation for me is hard.

          This Christmas I took off and fled from Wyoming and came east with my little boy I took a House here in Tidewater I know my husband has already tracked me here, I expect any day now he’s going to be standing in the door with The order to turn our son over , My mental illness of bi polar is not one considered by the courts as mild enough to allow me, his mother to keep him. I will invite my husband in and ask him to stay here let my sister and her husband take care of High range and canyon home they love it there. I want to say here on the coast but I don’t want to be separated from our little boy. NO more.

  • Joy

    Sigh. Another article confirming that marriages where the man has the lower drive are definitely weird. What would you think if a lady from your church started a small group to support women in sexually neglectful marriages? Probably that her husband isn’t a real man. We can’t admit our problem because people act like it’s not even real–when it is very, painfully, horribly real. The attitude presented here is what has made me strongly consider a confidential support group for women who are sexually neglected for whatever reason to discuss feelings of loneliness, shame, and worthlessness. We could go through the incredibly validating book, “The Sex Starved Wife,” by Michelle Weiner Davis (I suggest that you read it since this sort of thing interests you in general). It would probably have to be set up like the ones for post abortion or post abuse care so that both the leaders and participants are unknown to the general church because it would humiliate our husbands to be found out. Imagine living life as a woman, but without anyone really desiring you. It is heartbreaking. PS: Where can I find some of these needy men I keep hearing about? It’s hard not to wonder if we could help each other out…but that’s not really a productive line of thought, huh?

    • A group would be nice. Please contact me through my website where you can find email and social media channels.

    • ex members

      sounds great. After 30 years I thought we would be closer than ever instead I come way down the list long after TV, sport, facebook and even cigarettes! IM miserable I feel defeated and Im starting to think my life will be over without ever really reconnecting with this man I married. I know the heartbreak very well I live it ever night pointlessly waiting for him to join me in bed. Sick of making excuses for him. Feels like Im in a Mother/son relationship urgh

  • John

    Women never want to hear the truth. Disrespect is a major reason men say no to women.
    The other main reason is to stop her from manipulating him. All women try to manipulate men with sex. When a men says no and doesn’t initiate, he eliminates her ability to manipulate him. He gains the power in the relationship, and the woman freaks out.

    The fact is, women can not be trusted, and it is not safe to be intimate in any way with a woman. Many men are finding out they are much happier when they cut out women from their life. I’d recommend it to anyone. Keep away from women; they are nothing but trouble. The cost is always greater than the benefit.

    • Krista Allen

      Are you gay yet? Those are amazingly broad strokes you’re painting all women with.
      Perhaps if this is your life’s experience with women, I would consider the common denominator in it, and that would be you.

    • ex members

      wow John who destroyed you? Sad you think all women are the same when there are so many of us trying to nurture our relationships ….for many years it was more a case of men manipulating women ….the old ‘if you love me you will……’ suddenly woman are asking and even demanding to feel sexually desired and loved ….I think its men who are doing the ‘freaking out’ to be honest!

  • Andros

    I’m surprised nobody’s talking about the most probable reason? He’s bored of the sex. This is very common, especially in long term marriages. Keeping the sex life spontaneous is so important. I highly recommend checking out ‘Language of Desire’ – it’s fantastic. Here’s a direct link to the guide: Tinyurl.Com/DesireMethod

    Of course this applies to men too. I’m not suggesting that it’s a woman’s responsibility to keep the sex life spontaneous. This goes both ways! But for the sake of the article, I thought I’d give my honest opinion to women who are in this situation.

    • AJx

      Thanks for the great share.

      I think spicing up your marriage is definitely important.

  • KC

    My husband and I had sex everyday sometimes 2-3 times each day while dating! Then we got married and I’m luck if it’s twice a week. I even wear lingerie that is uncomfortable to bed and I will get a kiss, a butt grab, and then good night. He always has a headache or body aches…… We have a great connection and I’ve even asked if he wants an open marriage so that sexually our needs are met….then he flips out and says no way. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.