Sex and Intimacy

More Women Are Cheating Now. Thoughts Anyone?

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Now this should be interesting (to read comments on). As someone who is a marriage life coach, I will agree with the reports which state that finances, poor communication skills and a lack of intimacy (or intimacy compatibility)—and honestly, it’s usually a combination of all three—are the biggest reasons for why so many marriages are in trouble.

Well actually, I’ll add one more: selfishness; the thing that Philippians 2:3 warns us to steer clear of. So, if you’re a single person reading this and you want to get married just so that you can be catered to, yeah, you need to hang around a few more married couples (LOL). Healthy ones will tell you that a solid relationship is about what you give far more than what you take.

But back to the topic at hand…

When there’s a breakdown in a marriage, sometimes what occurs as a direct result is an affair. So here’s my heads up to married people: Cars get tune-ups to run in optimal condition. That said, married folks, please try and avoid waiting until your marriage is in dire straits before seeing a marriage counselor. Proverbs 11:14 tells us that without counsel, people fall and in counsel, there is safety. Going to counseling is not just about “fixing what is wrong” but maintaining what is right. “Checking in” a couple of times per year is a really wise move.

That’s actually something that I have been encouraging the couples that I work with to do. And yes, a few of them are recovering from adultery. And guess what? Each of them are the result of the wife cheating, not the husband.

That’s why when I read an article a few months ago on Hello Beautiful which stated that more women are cheating now, I actually wasn’t surprised: “According to the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey, the percentage of wives having affairs rose to 14.7 percent in 2010, while the number of men admitting to extramarital affairs held constant at 21 percent.”

The article said this spike is due to three main things: (1) women are more financially independent; (2) popular entertainment (and I use the word entertainment loosely) “such as shows like Cougartown and Single Ladies (and the Real Housewives franchise) that glamorize casual and predatory sex among women…”; and (3) our attitudes about sex have changed.

And again, I agree and will add one more: many of us are so busy having sex that we are no longer seeking intimacy. And a big part of that is because we continue to treat sex’s benefits as if they are more important than its purpose. Orgasms are great. Oneness is sex’s purpose though.Sadly, it seems like there are so many women who are trying to “have sex like men” that they are not having sex like God intended for them to have. As God intended for all of mankind to have: with one partner who they are in covenant with, who will love them until death parts them. This is how a man of God and a woman of God are to have sex.

Women, we have to take this awareness back so that we can put our sexual power back where it belongs. And yes, we are powerful. Even sexually. As I oftentimes tell men, in the Bible, men are warned about women far more than women are ever warned about men (Ecclesiastes 7:26Proverbs 6:20-35, oh and Delilah in Judges 16 immediately come to mind). And it would make sense being that God made women to be helpmates (Genesis 2:16I Corinthians 11:7-12). And so, we’re either going to help men become better or—get worse. And cheating in a relationship, no matter who is doing it, benefits no one. There’s nothing liberating about it. No matter what the world may tell you (remember, it’s full of nothing but pride and lust anyway- I John 2:16).

So now that we know what the statistics say, I’m curious to hear your thoughts.

Why do you personally think more women are cheating?

And more importantly, what do you think can be done to make the cheating stop?

This article was originally published here and is used with permission.

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  • Max Broadway

    I think I agree with your assertion, “many of us are so busy having sex that we are no longer seeking intimacy.” Now, more than ever, the pressure on the marital relationship to be one of intimacy is greatest. We find ourselves, in a day of social media, increasingly socially isolated, and thus the duty of the marriage is to satisfy this yearning for intimacy, for connection. This yearning is God-given, I believe, and reflects Biblical passages where marriage is likened to the relationship between Christ and the church – his people – famously Ephesians 5:22-32. To know and be known at the deepest level of our being is at the root. Perhaps it is a fore-taste of the real joys of heaven? The skills and level of commitment, though, to attain such intimacy on a human level in marriage, or marriage-like commitments, are often lacking. Spouses and partners require a commitment not only to one another, but to active listening, levelling, and speaking their hearts to one another in the confidence they will be attended to and accepted. They also need to work for the relationship, and be determined to overcome any of the differences and trouble-shoot and of the problems that inevitably arise. These attributes and skills are becoming increasingly rare in my experience.

    As well, we live in a ‘disposable’ society: when something breaks, you don’t mend it, you simply throw it away and find another – maybe even a new and up-dated better one! This mind-set may also be playing a role in marriages. Instead of doing the ‘work’ of the marriage, and dealing openly and effectively with differences and difficulties if and when they arise, many now think, “I’ve fallen out of love – the marriage must be broken.” Of course, then the easy way out is to have extra-marital sex – a thrill of adrenaline and lust, perhaps, but a cheap substitute for real intimacy.

    Finally, there are gender issues to consider. I now it’s a generalisation, but the ‘work’ of the relationship has traditionally been the woman’s role. Men typically lack the willingness and skills to address relationship difficulties. Perhaps many women, in today’s egalitarian society, are unwilling to shoulder this burden, and so seek an easy way out?

  • Quinton Earley

    I have noticed this trend in my patients as well, and anytime the subject is brought up at least one point from the article above is mentioned or conversed about with little wisdom.

    One thought of *why this is occurring is that I have noticed a great shift in how modern churches are treating/grooming men to be far less virile than what I believe God observed us to be, and that includes how we treat our wives. As the members of the body of Christ we are called to be Christ’s true bride, and we are called to love our spouses as Christ loves the church. But. So often I see men chase the thought of a Godly relationship with another and not a relationship with God to share with another. In turn this puts the woman in a role of being the support/strength/vitality for a man that only God can supply to him and imbalances the relationship putting a heavy weight on the woman. In this case the woman expends her energy trying to be something she either isn’t supposed to be or cannot be for her partner and drains both parties mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Then a free, good looking guy comes along outside the relationship and gives the woman attention she’s been craving, recognition she’s been desiring, and a stew of other things she finds attractive.

    I have seen this happen to friends, family, and acquaintances alike, and though I disagree with the thought process and chopping mechanisms behind this trend, I can understand how it’s surfacing so readily. Sermons on dating and intimate relationships are seldom brought up in older generations due to the fact that, traditionally, by that time everyone is executed to be married and happy. But we know this is not the case, and we are seeing more infidelity, more divorces, and more unstable relationships as a norm instead of an exception.

    I believe if we can shed some light on what it means and takes to be a man of godly character and fight back against this tide of masculinity taking a shadow role in relationships we can see men begin to be proper leaders spiritually and guide, comfory, support, love, and connect with their spouses more intimately so that there is no desire to cheat because both parties are fulfilled by God first and then each other.