Spiritual Growth

The Truth About Women and Porn

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Let’s face it.  We are all visual creatures, and nudity draws us in like flies to a bright light.  This really isn’t a bad thing.

In fact, God made human beings this way on purpose.  

He made us sexual so that we can experience intimate pleasure with our spouse and possibly have children one day.  We are supposed to appreciate the naked body.  We are wired to desire sex.  It isn’t gross; it’s beautiful.

Unfortunately our culture often represents it as everything but the amazing gift that it is.

I recently watched part of an episode of a reality show that follows the glamorous lives of several famous married women.  You might know what show I’m referring to, and it can be addicting to watch.  During this particular show, one housewife was discussing what she described as the secret to her seventeen-year marriage.  She said that they both “worked at it” and did things to “spice things up” including watching porn together on a regular basis.  She then commented that most of her friends didn’t watch porn with their spouses, and she thinks that everyone would have better marriages if they watched it together.

I honestly couldn’t believe how comfortable she was in admitting that this was a regular practice in her marriage.  Even if it were true, most people wouldn’t admit it on national television.  She was not only admitting it; she was celebrating it and even advising it.  I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Is porn really becoming this socially acceptable?”.

The more I’ve thought about this, I’ve realized that this famous housewife’s view of porn might be more common than I think.  She’s willing to call porn what it is in front of millions of people, instead of giving it another name or denying her use of it all together.

The porn industry is a multi-billion dollar business that is growing everyday.  It draws in more profits than all the television networks COMBINED.  So, yeah, lots of people are watching it; and it’s not just men.

Statistics show that more and more women are paying for porn as well.  Although many will not admit to it, statistics show that most people have seen at least one explicit sexual act, willingly or otherwise, in their lifetime.  Porn has certainly permeated our society, but it’s not just through the porn industry itself, even though the profits are astonishingly high.

Unless you are living completely off the grid, you may have heard of a little book called “Fifty Shades of Grey” and a movie about it that is coming out pretty soon.  I’ll be honest; I have never read “Fifty Shades” but I have talked with many friends that have.  I’ve also seen the movie trailer, and well, it’s racy to say the least.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  If you are not a Christian, I don’t see any reason why you didn’t pick up the book.  Who wouldn’t want to read about an extremely good-looking, successful, and mysterious man who supposedly sweeps a young, innocent, and sexually inexperienced young lady right off her feet?  Did I mention that it has been described as “graphic” and a “guilty pleasure”?  I get it.  I do.  No wonder more than 100 million copies have been sold worldwide, according to the New York Times.

For those of us who are Christians, I think we have to pause here and ask ourselves how God wants us to respond to all of this.  Again, I am speaking to myself here.  “Fifty Shades” isn’t the first salacious novel and movie to pop up in our culture, and it won’t be the last.

When we read novels filled with erotic scenes, our brains respond in a very similar way as if we are watching an explicit sexual act.  For many women, it is all about the fantasy.  That is the very reason many of us end up reading these novels.  What we fail to realize is that we are opening ourselves up to lustful thinking that doesn’t involve our spouse, and this is detrimental to our marriages.  In Matthew 5:28, Jesus gives us a sober warning against lust when he tells us,

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

The same goes for women looking at men lustfully.

We tell ourselves it is harmless because we aren’t engaging in the act, but Jesus clearly raises the standard for Christians here and states that thinking about it is just as sinful as doing it.  He doesn’t tell us this to be a huge buzz-kill or to make life extra hard; he is trying to teach us how to guard our mind and hearts against sexual sin.

As Christian wives, we are called to only have eyes and longings for our husbands.  Allowing ourselves to be gripped by the lustful thoughts that are sure to come from these seemingly harmless, sexually-driven novels or movies only train our minds and hearts to be unsatisfied with our own sex lives.  It’s so easy to compromise our beliefs when it comes to this.

I too have read a little too much, looked a little too long, and pondered longer than I should have.  That is exactly what lust does to us.  It seems so innocent at the time, but it is an act of subtle disobedience that only leads us down a road of insecurity and emptiness, not to mention broken relationships.

Throughout our marriage ministry, my husband, Dave, and I have talked to many couples contemplating divorce.  When we would try and get to the root of their marital issues, they would often share that they had not had sex for months or even years.  In many of these situations, the husband was frequently looking at porn and the wife was filling the void with novels, movies, and nights out with girlfriends.  They had lost interest in each other, and they considered themselves to be “out of love”.

What they failed to see was the common denominator…lust.  They had stopped desiring each other, so they were seeking to fill their sexual desires elsewhere.  Sometimes, these husbands and wives would end up having full-blown emotional or physical affairs, which only made the road to healing much more difficult.

I am not sharing all of this to make anyone feel guilty or hopeless because I know otherwise.  God loves us and understands us.  He will forgive the repentant.  There is hope.  I have seen husbands with a hidden porn addiction find the road to healing and restore their marriages.  I know wives who have turned away from a lifestyle filled with lust and loveless marriages only to find that they can have a completely fulfilling marriage on all levels with God’s blessing.

We don’t have to accept whatever our culture deems as socially acceptable.  If we want our marriages to be strong, we must turn our hearts and minds to God and he will help us to keep our eyes, minds, and hearts from wandering.

He will bless all aspects of our marriages, including the sexual.  You don’t need porn or some made-up steamy novel to spice up your marriage anyway.  So, let’s keep movie characters, empty novel fantasies, and ridiculous porn scenarios out of our bedrooms and enjoy the beautiful intimate union that we can have with our spouse.


fightingformymarriage-05 Don't give up on your marriage. It is worth the effort and investment. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, or even failing, there is hope. There is healing.

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This article was originally published here and is used with permission.

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