My wife Ashley and I receive tons of emails and Facebook messages from people sharing their questions and concerns related to marriage. A common question that we hear from women can be summed up like this…”There is so much written about how men want sex more than women, but in my marriage, those roles are reversed. I’m the one with the stronger drive, and in fact, my husband doesn’t want sex. WHY? Am I doing something wrong?”
We can hear the frustration and even desperation in the tone of these wives’ messages. They want to connect with their husband on every level (including sexually), and they’re not sure why he is pulling away or acting completely uninterested in sex. These factors below aren’t necessarily for those wives who just happen to have a slightly higher sex drive than their husbands. These factors below are for those husbands who seem to have little or no interest in sex.
After countless interactions with couples, I’m convinced there are 3 primary reasons why a man may not be interested in sex. I believe that at least one of the these factors is involved in 90% of cases when a man’s sex drive seems to drastically drop. As the wife, don’t blame yourself! These top three reasons for his drop in sex drive have nothing to do with you. Even though his lack of interest might feel deeply personal, please don’t take it as a personal rejection. These factors are mostly a result of either his poor choices or his poor health.
Before reading the three factors listed below, please check out our popular video course on sex in marriage by clicking here.
(In no particular order):
1. He’s secretly getting sexual release from pornography, masturbation or an affair.
I’m certainly not saying that whenever a man isn’t interested in sex with his wife, it’s because he’s getting sexual gratification by some other means, but oftentimes, this is a factor. With the pervasive reach of porn, many men have lost the ability to have healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. Ask your husband if this is a struggle for him. Work through this together. Define clear boundaries and work together to rebuild trust if it has been broken. There are some great resources available at XXXchurch.com include online support groups for porn addiction, accountability software for phones and computers and other tools to help break free from pornography.
2. He has a medical condition which has lowered his energy or his testosterone levels.
Oftentimes, when a man isn’t interested in sex, there’s a medical explanation. Low testosterone levels can have a huge impact on a man’s mood and his sex drive. Encourage him to get checked out and to get treatment if necessary. It will not only help you improve the sexual connection in your marriage, but other aspects of your relationships and his health should all improve as a result.
3. He’s struggling with depression.
“Stress” alone will rarely alter a man’s sex drive, because most men find sex to be their favorite form of stress relief, but when stress evolves into depression, it become a different matter. With depression, sex drive is one of the first things to disappear. If your husband seems to be depressed, encourage him to get help and seek treatment if necessary. Men are usually much more reluctant to acknowledge depression and seek treatment than women, so help him have the courage to get help.
The first step in improving your sex life or any other part of your marriage is COMMUNICATION.
Start by asking questions, suggestion solutions, offering encouragement and working through this as partners. Your marriage will never be defined by the size of your struggles, but by the size of your commitment to working together to overcome the struggles.
Don't give up on your marriage. It is worth the effort and investment. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, or even failing, there is hope. There is healing.