If there is one common question that resides in the minds and hearts (and pants) of men, it is this:
“How do I get my wife in the mood for sex?”
Let’s be honest: we men can be a little greedy. It’s not always good enough just to have sex with our spouse.
We want them to actually like it.
We want them to “want” it.
We want them to be in the mood for it.
But this is sometimes—oftentimes—more difficult to accomplish than one might think.
After all, women are very different from men. You probably have heard this saying before but it’s true:
Men are microwaves, while women are slow cookers.
In other words, most women don’t get turned on by the flip of a switch. Usually it takes some stage-setting and, dare I say, strategy.
But how do we do it?
Unfortunately there are a lot of lazy husbands out there. Guys who just expect sex but who don’t want to invest in the process. Maybe that’s you, and if it is, let me just say: grow up and stop being such a tool.
However, we do live in hectic culture. With work, kids, and the like, it can prove difficult to lay out a well-conceived, well-executed plan to get your sweetheart in the right mood and in the bedroom.
So with that in mind, I want to give you four simple things that will help you get your wife in the mood:
1. Do the dishes.
Listen, one thing I’ve realized is that for many women, acts of service are huge on their love language list. This is very true with my wife. (If you are unfamiliar with each others’ love language, I suggest this terrific marriage assessment tool).
Telling her “I love you” is not as powerful as showing her “I love you.”
So when I do things like cook dinner, clean the shower, vacuum, or do the dishes, I score HUGE points with her and help my case for an evening of good loving.
Hint: Cooking dinner might seem a little extravagant for a few of you. In that case just start with the simple things like dishes. Seriously, if you can’t do the dishes for sex than you just don’t deserve to have it.
Yes, it sounds cliché (that’s because it is), but some flowers now and then score points with the Mrs.
In my wife’s case, gifts are not a big deal. It’s not a top love language for her. But flowers? Especially for no reason? Those are welcomed.
Everyone likes a surprise.
Everyone likes a gift now and then, especially when they aren’t expecting it.
Hint: Guys, go out and buy some flowers, NOT lingerie. Something simple. Something pretty. You just want to say, “Hey I was thinking about you today.” (Side note: If you have a daughter, bring her flowers, too. That will be awesome for your daughter, and your wife will like it as well.)
3. Tell her she’s great.
This is a not-so-fancy way of saying “affirm” her. Your wife needs to know what you think about her. (Of course if you think she’s a nagging wench, you might want to skip to point 4 and also read a different blog post and maybe go see a counselor.)
As men, we generally aren’t very big on talk. My closest friends don’t need to text me or call me every day to tell me that they think I’m great and are thinking of me.
Honestly, if they did, I would worry.
But your wife is a different story. She needs to know that you love her.
She needs to know you find her desirable.
That you think she’s attractive.
That she’s a great mom.
That you are proud of her.
Don’t fool yourself and think she already knows. She doesn’t. Tell her she’s awesome and that will boost her confidence, which will often boost her “mood.”
Hint: You may be forgetful like me. Cheat. Set a reminder on your phone to text or call her. It works. Eventually it will become a habit and you won’t need the reminders. I’ve done it myself.
4. Touch her, but not like that.
Seriously, guys: NOT LIKE THAT!
This is the funny thing. Many women want physical touch, but they want it in a different way than most men.
They want to hold hands. Maybe a casual back scratch or absentminded playing with their hair. They want simple acts of physical intimacy.
They don’t want you to grind your crotch against her while she’s trying to cook dinner. Seriously guys, that’s an injury looking to happen and are you really going to have sex on a hot stove?
Hint: Try doing this when you are with the kids, at the mall, or in church. I’m not talking about a demonstration of full-on PDA, but just a simple, quick touch. You want to show her intimacy when the connection to sex isn’t so obvious. Simply put, don’t wait until bedtime to do your handholding.
Now I know some of what I have said here is a bit humorous but it’s all true and very practical.
The bottom line is this: If you want to get your wife in the mood you need to love her more.
You need to show her you care through simple acts of kindness and intentionality.
If the only reason you do these things is to score in the bedroom then you are on the wrong track and the results will not be what you hoped for.
The reality is, you can’t be lazy.
There is no quick fix.
There is no magic pill.
Love her better and love her more. Being a good husband is the ultimate secret to getting her in the mood.
Don't give up on your marriage. It is worth the effort and investment. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, or even failing, there is hope. There is healing.