Communication Conflict

5 Reasons Your Husband May Be Lying To You

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Over the years I’ve come to recognize a few things that are pretty consistent when it comes to those who struggle with porn addiction (specifically men, for the purposes of this post). Things that I know not only from helping those who are addicted, but also from what I saw and did myself when I was addicted.

One of those things is this: pornography addiction makes men liars. (Tweet This!)

Now, please do not take this as a statement of condemnation. Remember, I’m talking from personal experience here.

But it is true. Pornography addiction has the ability to turn honest men into some of the worst liars. By its very nature, porn addiction needs secrecy and shame to breathe and thrive.

Unfortunately, the ones who get lied to the most are usually the ones closest to us: our families.

More specifically, our wives.

When couples come to us after uncovering porn use, the pollution of hurt and distrust can be thicker than the smog levels on a hot day in Los Angeles.

There are so many questions, but one of the biggest is: Why did he lie to me?

There are many reasons. I want to give you five.

And please realize that these aren’t “excuses,” nor do they make the lying okay; they’re just legitimate reasons that might help you deal with the pain.

Reason #1: Fear of looking weak.
Fact: Most men don’t like looking weak. We don’t. And we especially don’t want to look weak in front of our wives.

However, there is a common misconception out there that people who struggle with porn have some sort of inherent moral weakness. That basically there is a flaw in their character or DNA that keeps them from abstaining, because “if they weren’t weak, they would just NOT LOOK like the rest of us.”
However, this belief is a lie in and of itself and men who struggle with porn need to realize that. Yes, we are weak – but so is everyone else. Men who use porn aren’t suffering from some sort of special weakness.

Reason #2: Fear of loss.
Hey, this is a legitimate concern. Men (especially Christian men) realize that when they come clean, they are taking a big risk. A risk that their “betrayal” may cost them everything they love.

But men, if this is you, realize it’s always better for your porn use to be “brought” not “caught.” Getting caught with your hands in the perverbial cookie jar is far more devastating to your spouse than finding out through humble and sincere repentance.

Reason #3: Fear of hurting or disappointing those we love.
This reason is unique because it is in many ways selflessly motivated. I’ve been there. Husbands don’t want to hurt their wives (unless they are just awful husbands, but that’s a whole different topic). They also don’t want to disappoint their wives and, let’s be honest, admitting porn use is hurtful and disappointing.

Men, while your motivation is altruistic (but ultimately self-serving), realize that your lies are even more painful and disappointing. Be honest and give your wife what she deserves.

Reason #4: Fear of looking like the “creepy” guy.
Again, another myth: that only creepy guys look at porn. Men don’t want to be “that guy,” especially in front of their spouse.

However guys, this is your opportunity to shed light on the truth. Regular guys look at porn. (Tweet This!) You don’t have to be a creep to do it. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Reason #5: Fear of getting our butt kicked.
This reason is by far the most regrettable. Unfortunately there are many men out there who lie because they just aren’t ready to stop. They don’t want to get their butt kicked and be forced to deal with their issues.

Guys, if this is you, there’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said already. You need to want freedom to find freedom. (Tweet This!) If you want porn, then most likely you will keep lying about it to your wife. And when your wife finds out, don’t be surprised when she decides it’s time to leave.

There are plenty of other reasons men lie about their addiction, but I believe these five are the most common.

Spouses, hopefully this gives you some insight.
Hopefully this will help with your healing in some way.

And guys, I know you have your reasons.
I know the idea of telling your spouse the truth is scary as crap.

But I assure you it’s the best way.

Because at the end of the day, dishonesty sucks. And being on the other end of that dishonesty sucks even more. Even if you have your reasons.

This article was originally published here and is used with permission –

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  • Deborah West

    I think you’re right. Those are the five most top reasons for a lot of men. But the ‘elephant’ in the room is that because of ego, mass media sexualizing everything, and the ‘boys will be boys’ mentality – most men just think they’re entitled to look. Most men feel no guilt, shame or remorse in looking. Because sadly, most men are not Christians. They don’t have ethics, values or standards. It takes a strong man to ‘come clean’ about this problem. It takes a man with integrity to conquer this. I believe ALL men have this strength – but lack the motive to do it.

    • lisa

      Deborah, you couldn’t be more correct. My husband has had a porn addiction since the beginning of our marriage. For a long time I thought he was over it and then about 10 years ago it came back with a vengeance. He has multiple email accounts now, and frequents dating sites, all the while I was caring for his dying mother. Wow! We even attempted therapy but that wonderful therapist who was a “specialist ” told him he didn’t have a big problem. Well I guess banging a Chinese “massage therapist” isn’t a problem, right??? The lies are so prolific that I’ve learned to just shut up and not ask questions anymore, because will I get the truth, NO!!! Oh he says he’s sorry but does he have the respect for me to stop? No. So I guess we’re at an impass, because now he is leading my “sister” on and she has turned against me due to the gossip he has told her about me. Honestly he acts like a whiney spoiled little boy, who when he has to be a man and be the bread winner he can’t cope. I own 2 businesses and at times they are slow but pick back up and I bring a decent income to the table, but when it’s slow he sure is quick to stab me in the back. I have spent years in earnest prayer and study in the bible, on my knees daily praying for his healing, but it’s so discouraging to get what I feel is a leg up in the marriage and think that there’s healing only to have huge devistating set backs and failures. He is quick to expose my flaws to his friends but I have to carry the perverbial elephant (porn addiction) around and keep up the big secret and lie as to how great my marriage is, but is really a disaster waiting to be exposed. This lie has cost me my self esteem, my figure, my blood pressure and it’s chipping away at my health at the age of 50.

      I wish I could leave, but with my business I can’t, I am truly trapped.

      • Deborah West

        Lisa, (((hugs))) So sorry for you. I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt but won’t wear it. And I totally agree with you on ‘keeping secret’ thing. My H expected me to keep his dirty little secret. He expected to be able to lie, cheat, and steal from me – but I’d better not say a word about. LOL. I out him every time now, about everything. I will NOT stand back and be quiet anymore. That’s how they get away with it. And yes, it cost me my health also. But once I started speaking up – my confidence soared!!! I understand that you are in a position that right now – you can’t change. But you speak up to your H. Don’t be a door mat. Don’t let him act like a child. That’s the biggest problem. These men think they can act like children and not take any personal responsibility for their actions. They don’t understand that for THEIR actions, their wives are having a RE-action. Instead of blaming shifting onto their wives, they need to look in the mirror to see who’s at fault.