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8 Reasons My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me

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When I wrote a blog post called “8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me” I got a lot of great feedback from it and it was viewed over 300,000 times on the first day alone. But one question I kept hearing afterward was: “Could you write one for women and explain to me why my husband won’t have sex with me?

Sure. Sounds easy.


I asked a few friends for answers, and most of us just scratched our heads. Men who don’t want to have sex? Overwhelmingly, we heard this was the case and women wanted answers.

Now, I don’t speak from experience on this one. I am always up for sex, so I looked for thoughts on this topic from some friends, including Dave Wilson, Adam Palmer, Shaunti Feldhahn, Dave Willis and Jon Kitna.

Just like my first post, this is not a definitive list by any means; I’m putting it out there to hopefully encourage you talk about this stuff with your spouse. If you can be honest and open with your spouse about your sex life, you can often get to the bottom of this without even reading this blog. If you don’t know how to talk to each other, enlist a counselor to help you learn how to communicate.

Before I hit the list, let me offer a couple of statistics:

A recent survey of couples discovered that those who said they were fulfilled sexually had sex on average 2.5 times a week. So that’s something to think about (especially how you can get that 0.5 every week).

According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, defined as making love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it is definitely one of the best ways to maintain intimacy (Tweet This!).

Okay, now let’s look at the list of 8 reasons your husband won’t have sex with you:

1. No  Man Wants To Have Sex With His Mom. This is all about respect.   No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him. If you are always on him, critiquing and complaining about what he does or doesn’t do, then he’d probably rather have sex with himself because he knows you aren’t satisfied with his performance in the bedroom, either. There’s a lot more where that came from.

2. He Doesn’t Feel Wanted. Men want to be wanted. In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, 66% of men said it is very important that they feel wanted by their spouse. Getting sex wasn’t enough by itself—just like wives want to be wanted, husbands also want to be wanted.  Your desire for him is a huge foundation that helps him have confidence in his daily life. I also talked about this in the last post a bit, the games couples play with sex about who initiated last time and all that. If there have been times before in your marriage where you have turned him down, then he just might not have the guts to initiate sex out of fear of rejection. I mentioned this last week and said that this was his issue and he needs to lead, but hopefully this helps you understand why he is not wanting sex and it could be he doesn’t want to get rejected again.

3. He’s Dealing With Medical Issues or Depression. It’s very possible your husband has some kind of medical issue or depression that he just doesn’t want to deal with. We men… we tend to be pretty terrible about acknowledging our weaknesses, even when they’re affecting us and making us lose our appetite for sex. As some of you know, I was sick for months this past year. One of the medicines I decided to take (out of the several that were prescribed) knocked me out at nighttime and left me barely able to wake up in the morning. I noticed that if I took this pill before bed, I had no desire for sex and couldn’t even get it up. Yeah. My wife actually laughed when this happend and then I grabbed the bottle from the bathroom and showed her that was a side effect of the medicine. That was the last day on that medicine. Anyway, there are several different issues your husband could be dealing with medically that effect his sex life and drive. It might be time for a trip to the doctor.

4. Flannel Pajamas Suck (Tweet This!). Let’s just be honest: guys are visual and if you aren’t putting any effort into what you look like and making the bedroom an incredible place to be, then he might not be turned on. Life happens—aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain—you’re not going to look the way you did when you two first met. Fortunately, the deeper we love someone, the less importance we place on the exterior and the more we focus on the interior. That said: It doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact, like resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, or actually putting on some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. My friend Shaunti and I are writing a book called Visual, talking about the visual nature of men, and she mentions men’s “visual rolodex” (or to update it: “visual hard drive”) in her book For Women Only. Wives should be the default image on their husband’s visual hard drive, so make a commitment to take care of yourself as best as you can—maybe you’ll inspire your husband and the two of you can work together to get a healthier lifestyle—both physically and emotionally—and make yourselves visually exciting for each other.

(71.3% of men in the U.S are obese or overweight compared to 68% of women. So, guys you got to work on this even more then your wives)

It will pay off big-time when you’re naked in bed with the lights on.

5. You Pay More Attention To Facebook than to Him. Maybe this is just me, but it seems like most men I know are done with Facebook. If it isn’t Facebook, it will be something else next week but come on, already. The comments, the posts the likes, the shares… put the damn thing down for a bit and connect with the person in your bed. Words with Friends, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and all these other things have crept into our bedrooms and become a distraction. Now, guys are not immune to this problem – in my house it’s ESPN and my “girlfriend” (my wife’s nickname for my laptop), so make an agreement that, after the kids go to bed, you put everything away and try and connect with each other.

6. He’s Getting It Somewhere Else. Studies show that most (not all) guys need sex every three days or less. If you aren’t having sex anywhere close to this frequency, then I would have to wonder where else he is getting it—either through an affair or through porn. Don’t go hiring someone from the television show Cheaters just yet, but do have a frank discussion with him about the possibility. Most guys or gals will lie when confronted as well, so these are not just easy conversations to ask once and just accept it and move on. Dive into this and get to a place of honesty—and don’t be afraid to enlist a trusted counselor for help if you need it. (And if it’s porn, we can help. Here are some resources you can check out to point him to that help.

7. His Walls Are Up. In the same way that wives can put up walls, so can husbands. While men tend to be fairly good at compartmentalizing their needs, it’s still possible for an issue to build up to the point where it creates a wall. It can be a major issue in your relationship or just in your personal life that affects the two of you relationally, spiritually, or physically. It could be your own depression or physical health, or a change in character that has him wondering what’s going on. Whatever it is, look for signals to talk about it, then run toward that conflict and deal with it. It may be hard, but it’s worth it. Talk. Listen. Then listen some more. Own up to anything you might need to take responsibility for, and remember you’re in this together.

8. He’s English and Prefers Gardening to Sex

I hope this helps. I really hate to see married folks not having sex—even terrible sex is better than no sex (Tweet This!). And if your sex is terrible, that just means you get to practice more!

Get to work.


This article was originally published here and is used with permission –

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  • Trump Democrat

    Or, maybe it’s because the wife turned him down enough times that he has enough respect to have turned himself off to you. It’s hard for a guy to turn back on if he actually had enough willpower and self respect to turn off in the first place.

    • Eryn

      That’s not how it is in my marriage. I’ve never rejected my husband. We didn’t have sex before we got married, and on our honeymoon he rejected me several times. I cried myself to sleep many times throughout our first year of marriage, because he would reject me. It’s hard that most things say it’s either the woman who is sucking all the desire out of her partner by nagging or not being attractive enough, or he’s having an affair or he’s gay. There’s not much support for women with husbands with low libido

      • tony

        theres not much support for men whose wives do not want to sleep with them either .Trust me

      • Sina


      • Pao

        The same happens to me on my honey moon and now he hasn’t touched me for over 2 years.

      • 3rdInfantryDivision

        Get a new husband.

    • Lesley

      How come any time a wife is neglected sexual it must be the woman’s fault?

      • BigEinBigD

        It’s not…but it’s also more common than you’re willing to acknowledge, too.

        It is certainly the case in my marriage; after years of rejecting my advances for a plethora of reasons, I just stopped trying. I focused on myself instead; I got into the gym…lost weight…gained muscle and tone…even completed a half-marathon. I got better at my job…two promotions within a 3 year period. I took up new hobbies that I enjoy spending time on. I was the happiest I’d been in a very long time. In fact, I still am.

        Then one night as we were having a drink at a restaurant’s bar waiting for our table, a woman briefly flirted with me while my wife was in the restroom (I’d forgotten my wedding ring in my car because I don’t lift with it on and I met my wife for dinner having come straight from the gym). In a stroke of pure timing/luck, I was able to thank her but tell her that I was married…jesturing to my wife who was approaching us, looking concerned.

        That was over a year ago now. Ever since then, she has ratcheted up the efforts to lure me. It’s not because she wants to make love. It’s not because she desires me. It’s not because I attract her. It’s because, suddenly, someone else was interested in what’s her’s…that stirred a territorial response in her…and she wanted to protect what’s hers. That kind of desperation is anything but attractive or endearing.

        I’m not interested in an affair in any way, and I’m quite confident that she is not either; it goes against both of our personal and religious convictions on the matter. However, I also haven’t made an attempt to initiate with my wife, and do not plan to. Frankly, I’m happier without it, and if I’m to be completely honest, I just don’t have the drive/urge for it anymore anyway. God loves every her…she still tries, and yes…there are arguments about it often. She’s begged for forgiveness for rejecting me all those times, but there is nothing to forgive her of in my view.

        They say sex is a basic human need…like food, water, and sleep. If you’re not hungry, then it’s normal to turn down food when offered. If you’re not thirsty, then you’re not likely to go chug a gallon of water on a whim. If you had a good nights sleep, then the last thing you want to do upon waking is go back to sleep. So why is it then, in a case like mine, I’m supposed to have sex when I’m not aroused or interested?

        • tony

          amen , Ive been trying to get my wife to make love to me and we do do it about once a month but the amount of rejections before that is ridiculous. I have tried to be understanding because we have a son together but now if i reject her i am the bad guy? great post made me think

          • John

            Yes Tony your wife is being a typical woman and using sex to manipulate you. Your only choice is to stop initiating, and turn her down if she initiates. You and your son will be better off without her (you can get custody – I did!).

        • Chloe

          Sounds like you’re just married to a friend. I don’t believe you when you say you’re happy. You sound very unhappy, and in turn making your wife feel worthless begging forgiveness and you toss her aside. I came here cause I @thiught@ I had a problem. But after reading comments I realize mine is “normal” and nothing to be worried about. But your comment just irked me, your wife dosent turn you on and you’d rather do anything than be with her? Geez just put your marriage out of its misery.

          • John

            It’s completely normal for a man to stop pursuing if he’s constantly rejected. Otherwise, you’d call him a stalker and accuse him of harassment or rape, right? And if being with a woman brings you no benefit, then she is worthless to you, right? Sorry to be harsh, but facts are facts.

          • 3rdInfantryDivision

            When I tried to physically take the sex from wife she threatened to call the police. I was not attacking or anything like that just pawing and not accepting no again. Then threatening police. I’m like fk you. We are done. Divorce is long overdue

      • John

        Because it is.

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      True. It takes an awful lot for a woman a man loves an desires to break his soul. Once that man is broken he will turn off like a light and he will likely leave or find pleasure with another woman and WITH NO REMORSE.

  • Joy

    Sigh. Another article confirming that marriages where the man has the lower drive are definitely weird. What would you think if a lady from your church started a small group to support women in sexually neglectful marriages? Probably that her husband isn’t a real man. We can’t admit our problem because people act like it’s not even real–when it is very, painfully, horribly real. The attitude presented here is what has made me strongly consider a confidential support group for women who are sexually neglected for whatever reason to discuss feelings of loneliness, shame, and worthlessness. We could go through the incredibly validating book, “The Sex Starved Wife,” by Michelle Weiner Davis (I suggest that you read it since this sort of thing interests you in general). It would probably have to be set up like the ones for post abortion or post abuse care so that both the leaders and participants are unknown to the general church because it would humiliate our husbands to be found out. Imagine living life as a woman, but without anyone really desiring you. It is heartbreaking. PS: Where can I find some of these needy men I keep hearing about? It’s hard not to wonder if we could help each other out…but that’s not really a productive line of thought, huh?

    • A group would be nice. Please contact me through my website where you can find email and social media channels.

    • ex members

      sounds great. After 30 years I thought we would be closer than ever instead I come way down the list long after TV, sport, facebook and even cigarettes! IM miserable I feel defeated and Im starting to think my life will be over without ever really reconnecting with this man I married. I know the heartbreak very well I live it ever night pointlessly waiting for him to join me in bed. Sick of making excuses for him. Feels like Im in a Mother/son relationship urgh

      • Becky Seger MacKinnon

        That will be me in 20 years.

        • Angie

          I’ve been there. I have no advice for you but you do need to understand that your situation WILL NOT improve. In 20 years you will be an older version of yourself. You’ll be wiser but you will be less physically attractive than you are now, more confused that your husband rejected a much younger, more beautiful version of you, and you will probably question everything about your ability to attract. The emotional abuse he has inflicted on you will take intense counselling to repair. Withholding sex in a marriage is a form of abuse. As I said, I’ve been there and finally got out because I asked myself if this is what I was put on this earth to endure. The answer was, NO!
          Ps. Years later our daughter and son both said to me that they respected me so much for divorcing their father. I had no idea they noticed he was cold to me.
          Good luck to you.

          • Colonel Muppet

            I am glad you think withholding sex is a abuse. That means 90% of married men are abused.

      • middlechamber

        I’ve reflected that with my situation more as a Brother/Sister as animosity turns into bickering, so instead I go into my office.

      • Rita Fox

        This is going to be an unpopular response but I’m writing it. 46 years together with sex before we married. On our honeymoon he didn’t feel like it and when I tried to initiate the 2nd time in the week he called me a nympho. We had 3 children and sex was sporadic in between. After the last child it became a few times a year for a few years then stopped. There was ED then but when you don’t use it you lose it. Refused to talk about it despite counseling and oral sex was out as well as anything else. Soooo two years ago I got angry. really angry and I went online and I was careful and I have found out what amazing sex is like. Was I controlling or compulsive about some things. Yes at times I was. But it came after being told over and over and over how I did everything wrong, or other derogatory remarks. I lost myself, my sense of humor and I eventually worked a lot and took care of my children whom I have had and still have a great relationship. Would I do things different? I don’t know. I didn’t have the courage or the self confidence to divorce. Hindsight I would have divorced.

        • Nora

          Rita Fox…..Understood. Oh, how I understand. I could write paragraphs. But here’s one? I said to my husband several times: “I know what let’s do. Let’s pretend we’re 25 again and have wild and crazy sex!” Reply: “Oh, that’s just Hollywood.” Pffft!

      • JeniPhone Phillips

        Joy, it’s been two yrs since you posted about your nightly pain & suffering caised by your husband’s neglect.
        I also am coming up on my 30th anniversary and my husband has not even held my hand In the last 3yrs, but until then he was a wonderful lover in bed and out! I am desperate to find out if your hubby ever got better and if yes how??? If no what did you do and how is your life now? Thank You for your help, please contact me…

        • Colonel Muppet

          It’s not mentioned here, but it should be top of the list of “whys”

          How often and consistently have you rejected your husband for sex, before sex stopped in the marriage.

          Psychologically a rejection takes 3 x longer to get over. The joy of being accepted and having sex last only 1 day. Psychologists ran this exercise for gamblers winning and losing and then found that it applies to many other areas of life.

          Thus many men – since men have the stronger sex drive – this is empirically shown (Baumeister, Vohs, Cantonese 2001’s metastudy) are rejected consistently. Each man has his breaking point, but come it will, since rejection is one of the most painful attacks on our core identities: the brain will always try to avoid pain.

          I don’t see anyway back sadly. I don’t see how, in this equality obsessed world, you can tell women there is a huge sexual obligation on their part should they wish to get married.

    • tony

      oh there out there this is the first post ive seen like this . I am the husband who wants sex from his wife and cannot get it . I am very touchy feely romantic but i have now been rejected so many times what do i do? i guess there are women who are in the same boat as some men and i feel for everyone in this situation

    • MM

      I think a confidential support group would be great. It’s very challenging and isolating as it is when faced with this issue as a woman.

  • John

    Women never want to hear the truth. Disrespect is a major reason men say no to women.
    The other main reason is to stop her from manipulating him. All women try to manipulate men with sex. When a men says no and doesn’t initiate, he eliminates her ability to manipulate him. He gains the power in the relationship, and the woman freaks out.

    The fact is, women can not be trusted, and it is not safe to be intimate in any way with a woman. Many men are finding out they are much happier when they cut out women from their life. I’d recommend it to anyone. Keep away from women; they are nothing but trouble. The cost is always greater than the benefit.

    • Krista Allen

      Are you gay yet? Those are amazingly broad strokes you’re painting all women with.
      Perhaps if this is your life’s experience with women, I would consider the common denominator in it, and that would be you.

      • John

        And there’s the disrespect and manipulation – “are you gay yet”? Women are so full of themselves that they believe any man who doesn’t instantly salivate over them “must be gay”. Do you know how conceited that sounds? Do you really believe that every man MUST be attracted to you? This is also a homophobic insult, implying that a guy must be less of a man (i.e., gay in your mind) if he doesn’t immediately fall under your spell. Attacking the person (by calling him gay) rather than the argument is an ad hominem attack, or a logically fallacious argument. But then, women aren’t known for their grasp of logic.

        And no, I’m not gay. Although if I were it would make no difference.

        I’ve got some news for you. You’re not special because you have a vagina. 50% of the people on earth have a vagina. You’re not irresistible. In fact, you’re rather pathetic. Keep in mind that women today are competing with porn and video games … and losing … rather badly.

        I’ll repeat what I said above: Your cost is much greater than your benefit. You represent a huge risk with very little reward. Many of us, and more every day, are discovering that we are much better off after cutting you out of our lives completely. You need to start demonstrating some value, but I’d never hold my breath waiting for a woman to take responsibility for her actions. We are done, and we’re not coming back.

        • CutiePatutie

          Well, I keep my hubby happy. Sorry your situation/life is so disappointing. You sound miserable. Hopefully things get better.

        • Lucy Balle

          Stop blaming women for your problems. You, and you alone, are in control of your life. So you cut women out of your life, yet you are still angry and bitter because your life didn’t turn out the way that you expected. Because somehow you believed that you would get everything you wanted just simply because you exist. You are not entitled to anything just because you were born male. Yes, you DO think you are entitled, because you actually believe that someone disagreeing with you and calling you out on your hateful and general statements about women is disrespect. You have no idea what disrespect is. Newsflash: you actually have to WORK at life in order to be successful, and that includes relationships. You get back what you put into it, always. Try leaving your house and developing REAL life interpersonal relationships with both genders. And yes, there are PEOPLE (you really believe men are perfect? Or that somehow women are always the cause when men screw up?) out there who are horrible people. But see that is what is called being HUMAN. Oh and you might want to get some help for your anger, before it kills you.

          • 7mixednotconfused

            Wow u sound just like my abusive Ex 😬

          • John

            What problems? I don’t have any since I eliminated women from my life.

            You’ve made a lot of interesting assumptions, like I’m “angry and bitter”, I don’t “work at life” or that I “never leave my house”.

            Where did these assumptions come from? Project much?

        • 3rdInfantryDivision

          They are done. Sex robots will be the greatest thing that ever happened for men.

    • ex members

      wow John who destroyed you? Sad you think all women are the same when there are so many of us trying to nurture our relationships ….for many years it was more a case of men manipulating women ….the old ‘if you love me you will……’ suddenly woman are asking and even demanding to feel sexually desired and loved ….I think its men who are doing the ‘freaking out’ to be honest!

      • John

        No, it’s women. And as evidence I’ll point to the ever increasing articles complaining about men who don’t date, won’t call, won’t commit, won’t get married, and won’t initiate sex. And the wedding industry is a multi-billion dollar business that is nearly exclusively aimed at: that’s right, women. You want it, and you’re no longer getting in.

        Men are not going to be used as an accessory to show off to your girlfriends. We are not a box to be checked off so you can “have it all”. We are not a sperm bank and walking ATM.

        And I’ll give you a modern take on your so-called manipulation technique that men supposedly use: If you loved us, you’d go away and leave us alone.

        • Allison Smith

          Good Lord man, where are you meeting women?! Perhaps a change of locale could do you some good. Everyone deserves a happy and fufilling relationship, even you. Plenty of women are just normal gals (with jobs I Might add) I have, literally, never even once used sex as a weapon or a tool. Ever. Because I am a normal person not a lunatic. Do you live on the Far East or far West Coast? Just a guess…

          • Jen

            I am a woman, and John is right on the money. Although, I could do without the inflammatory insults on women. I don’t think that’s necessary to get your point across.

            This dynamic shift between men and women can be blamed largely on the Femenist movement gone awry in my opinion.

            Guys, please know that there are more traditional women still out there who honor the roles of men and women in a partnership.

          • Lucy Balle

            Also that there are women out there who have their own careers, pay for their own cars and houses, who are completely financially independent, and who want to be with a man for companionship not because of what material things he can provide for her. The best way to avoid gold diggers is to tell them you want a prenup if you ever get married. A gold digger will argue and cry then dump and run.

          • John

            Thank you Jen. I’m sorry all the traditional women are being left behind as well. You see, the problem is there are so many bad eggs, and we can’t tell you apart. Women are so good at pretending to be one way until they snag a man, then they change back into what they always were. Being in a relationship, for a guy, is more dangerous than playing Russian Roulette. So please understand why we refuse to play. And I’m truly sorry that all the bitches in the world have ruined it for the few traditional women who are still out there.

          • Colonel Muppet

            Dear John and Lucy. You might like to know that it doesn’t matter whether a woman has a job or not. Women never pay for their lives: there is a net fiscal deficit of 25% across a woman’s lifetime. No matter how many women have a job, you women always be a massive net fiscal withdrawal, that makes the fake gender pay gap look like a mole hill.

            Given that women live longer too, it looks even more egregious. As one savvy lady wrote on this thread, feminism has been pushed too far and women have all the privilege now. Slowly men are realising this and postponing or forgoing marriage (see Suzanne Venker on this)

            Women think that because they work the old tenets of marriage – providing one man more sex than one woman would normally desire in order to maintain the social order – may be abandoned. This is the core of modern divorce. Women think because they work, this shifts the bond in a marriage. But you can’ t fight biology. The horrendous outcome of this is the amount of fatherless, rudderless children, furthering the toxic cultural feminisation that has been going on.

    • Bob Rooney

      Best post ever. disrespect is far more common in the social media era than ever before. take back what they try and take from you. right on, brotha!

      • Nora

        Disrespect? Don’t forget that respect must be earned and maintained by everybody. It works both ways.

      • John

        It’s very effective, Bob. And more and more men are catching on every day. It’s an unconscious movement, so it can’t be stopped. Women won’t acknowledge it, but deep down they know it’s happening. Women’s value to men has plummeted and it will never recover.

        Now, some bitches will comment here that they don’t care and they’re glad all the men are gone, and that we just can’t handle their awesomeness, or whatever bullshit they’re telling themselves these days to preserve their egos. To which I say, then you won’t have a problem with us leaving you alone. But, the fact that they’re here bitching about it says otherwise.

    • Wtf


    • Rose

      No sorry, that is so untrue! I have been faith for 28 years!! I started noticing he was hiding acting different and locking his phone. I caught him sexing with a younger women!!
      All he had to say about it was it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it. Things have never been the same. So your full of it!! My husband will learn the hard way! I am the force behind everything that makes him look good, all he does it go to work!
      With out him I can do everything but good luck to him.

      • 3rdInfantryDivision

        But were you banging him? Because if you weren’t, I can’t blame him.

    • Nora

      Disrespect? Don’t forget that respect must be earned and maintained That goes for everybody. And BTW, manipulation works both ways, too.

      • John

        Everyone knows women use sex to manipulate men with sex. They are taught to do it from birth. Men just need to keep their eyes wide open for it, and dump the woman at the first sign.

        Of course respect must be earned. You have a very firm grasp on the obvious. But I’ve never a witnessed a woman truly respecting a man. Men need to know women aren’t capable of respect or kindness.

        • Nora

          John, I agree with you regarding your “dumping” comment. Absolutely. But truly there are women who can, and do, show respect and kindness, even going “above and beyond.” May it be your pleasure to meet one of these special women!

        • Nora

          I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how wrong you are. If you’ve never witnessed a woman truly respecting a man, you need to change the crowd you hang out with. About your final sentence–again, change your crowd. You might be pleasantly surprised.

    • Stuntman Davey

      My wife would gate-keep sex for years and then decided to tell me that I made her feel like a whore (three months after I last tried to initiate). I had enough and told her I was sorry, please forgive me and I will never make you feel like a whore ever gain (still not sure what she meant). That is when I stopped all initiating of sex with her. But I also found a huge benefit in non initiating. No longer do I have to do anything that would slowly put her in the mood. When you break the cycle of the gate keeper she no longer can use sex as a currency. My wife can have all the supply of sex in the world but as her husband I have 0 demand for any of her supply. The power imbalance has shifted to my favor. Twenty years of jumping through her hoops for sex and being rejected, now I have no desire for sex with her and she has no idea what to do about it. I reject her advances now and listen to her complain about it. Nineteen years from now I’ll accept her advances. Women who gate keep and complain sow what they reap.

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      27 years married. Early 50s. Shes 60. We are both still very fit and attractive. She refuses to have sex. We’ve had approx 6 times since mid 2017. I’m done. I’m shutting down. I hardly can even talk to her now. Too much rejection. I’m approached by woman frequently who make it clear they are interested. Well one of them who is also married I’m considering entering into a sexual relationship with. I’m that close but my conscience really struggling. I try to give one more chance to be intimate and rejection. I’m really ready to do it. All I need to do is send an text and I could be fkng the other woman immediately. I don’t even care if it hurt my wife. I do care about the sin issue and my relationship with God. But I’m at the end of the rope and just about ready to do it. If I have sex with another woman and can orgasm with her, it’ll probably be the end of my miserable marriage.

    • D

      John, I am a woman and I completely agree with you. Your words stung the first time I read them, but I’ve been reflecting on it for a couple of weeks now and have been disgusted at how easily I fall into manipulation and what a wretched woman I am. What would you say to a woman that truly wants to change and not be this way? I truly want to love my husband and not cause him frustration or regret.

  • Gomojomom

    Or, he finds me repulsive and that’s easier to admit he’s gay or bi.

  • TessiJessi

    I definitely think it’s time to bring up counseling. I don’t have sex with my husband for months at a time. I’m always trying to initiate several nights a week, but he just turns away and goes to sleep. I don’t even remember the last time he’s passionately kissed me or touched me besides a peck or a hand hold. I just want to be wanted intimately by the person I thought would love me forever. I cry myself to sleep nightly because of this, and when I bring it up, he just says, “ we need to go to bed earlier!” But if we do that, he falls asleep still. I don’t think he’ll be receptive to marriage counseling because he’s said before, “we can work on it ourselves” but here we are years later, worse situation. I sometimes just want to find someone who finds me attractive and be with them for a night! Look, I love my husband as a person and wouldn’t betray him, but man, I could really use a sex life.

    • Anne

      Thank you for sharing. I been struggling for a long time in my short marriage with this.

    • Mollie

      I’ve been married for 11 yrs now, first 5 were great. We had sex regularly (2-3 times a week) we’ve had our ups and downs like any marriage but In the last few years it has gone down so much that at this point I don’t even remember the last we had sex. We have kids and full time jobs and I understand that he gets tired but he won’t initiate it and when I try he just turns around and goes to sleep. I tried asking him what’s wrong and just says he’s too tired, I told him he makes me feel bad and that I still need it. Nothing works he barely gives me peck on the mouth when he leaves and we never even touch otherwise. I feel so lonely and unwanted that i just cry all the time.

      • 3rdInfantryDivision

        Find a man to take interest in you. Make sure your husband becomes aware of this male suitor. Your husband will immediately want to fk you non stop daily

  • Katie

    I want to be touched and desired so bad. I’m only 21 and I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. He used to be crazy for me and I have never turned him down once. In my opinion, I look a whole lot better than I used to. I have long hair, a pretty face, I’m skinny, and I have big boobs (not meaning to sound self-absorbed, I just don’t know why he would be unattracted to me). I have guys looking at me all the time, but I don’t want them. I want my husband.
    We’ve had a bad past, and I think he may feel some guilt over the things he’s done, as do I.
    I’m afraid to even try to initiate because I get turned down every time. Every time he wants it, he gets it any way he wants, but it’s not often.
    I’m afraid that he just doesn’t like me anymore because most of the time when he does want it, it’s after I try to initiate and I get rejected, then I fall asleep and he does it then.
    I’m so lonely and I feel unwanted and undesirable. We’ve only been married for three months. I don’t know what to do. We only have sex maybe once every two weeks and I am too asleep to enjoy it.

    • Rita Fox

      Get out now, Katie. It won’t get better.

    • Nora

      I tend to agree with another poster….get out now. It won’t get better. Your only chance is to get some really good counseling, and I can tell you from a lot of personal experience, it is almost non-existent. May I ask– is porn an issue with him?

      • 3rdInfantryDivision

        Counseling is a waste of time and money. I’ve been through so many. They mean well but they don’t help. People are going to be who they are and do what they want on the end. Counseling is a very expensive waste.

    • Pond

      Not belittling your situation, but sex once every two weeks is still sex. You are still getting some, but I agree. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband, because things do not get better with time if they are left to fester.

  • Ash

    This is most likely going to be unpopular advice on here but I’m going to say it anyway… Learn how to give your husband amazing oral – Not every man will admit it, but it’s something we all crave. If you’re not into that sort of thing, that’s fine too. (Don’t shoot the messenger!) – I just thought I’d give some different, but very honest advice. If you do want to learn how to blow his mind down there, check out Jacks BJ Lessons. He comes across as a bit arrogant but his tips work very good. You can find it at:

    If it’s any comfort, sexless marriages are way more common than most people think.

    • Donna Robertson Holloway Emers

      We used to have amazing sex for a long time any time of day. We have been married 3 years. Now if I initiate it he asks if it can wait until night. He watchs TV, etc. and then he wants a quickie or a blow job. I very often don’t climax. What the heck happened.

      • OverIt

        Same here. Married 5 years, very little (good) sex for a couple years now, when it used to be stellar. Now it’s always “I’m too tired” or “can you just give me a quickie/bj” with much pouting if I decline, which I’ve been doing more and more, as he won’t do something “for me” so why should I service him? Sad part is, I like giving BJ’s. But not like this. Where’s the reciprocation? And why? I’m still slim and attractive, so that shouldn’t be the problem. I think when we marry them they stop trying.

        • r

          why he won’t go down on you too? try cleaning up a bit more no offemse

          • OverIt

            No worries there; clean as a whistle, same as always. It’s only been since we got married that he gradually became such a slouch in bed. I really think it’s just laziness; apparently a lot of men think a wedding means they get to stop putting in effort romantically. Those men lose their wives to vibrators if they’re lucky, other men if they’re not.

          • Feelikebeingjezabel

            We just gout married I August of 2018, and the sex is less and less-I’m laying here now and wanting so bad to have sex..does he care? Nope. I’ve tried everything too-only when he initiates it whic if I’m lucky is once a week..I’m sickk of this shit..I’ve never been a cheater, but I’m so tired of this shit. He don’t care!<spoiler>

          • Adriaan

            Hi it sounds like I’m your husband basically….. I can’t help it though & want to want to have sex but it just doesn’t happen, please tell me you & your husband could fix the problem & it could maybe help me?

          • Sunshyn

            It’s like we are living the same lives… are you still going thru this? I feel so hopless and I dont know what to do

          • OverIt

            Yes, and it does feel hopeless. I haven’t been able to find a solution. The only thing that has gotten any kind of reaction out of him is making him jealous, by speaking well of other men (nothing inappropriate), which also backfired because now he’s insecure and worried I will cheat. The only thing that got a good result, but only temporarily, was buying a “toy” significantly bigger than him and making sure he knew how much I liked it.

        • Deborah

          He’s getting off with porn. I’ve been married to one for many years. Soon he will be telling you that he’s just not attracted to you anymore. Then you won’t want to do anything to him. Mine is 68 and does not want to fix his problem. I have to leave him but don’t want to give up my wonderful home. But, I no longer feel like the feminine woman that I used to adore.

        • One other person is typing

          On the contrary, from a males prospective. I’ve been married for 13 years. I enjoy sex with my wife but after three kids, the only times I see her naked is just before bed, or when shes taking a shower. We never do it in the day time anymore, and both of us will express interest in sex but are reluctant to initiate. I’ve gotten bored with sex with my wife because we are always doing the same thing. Start out lazy side ways then ending in missionary with me putting in all the work to get her off. Hell I even go down on her when I know I’m too tired to drag the horse up the hill just to make sure she gets off. My wife never touches me bellow the belt and she is not exploitative. Before we were married she even let me do anal on her. The experience was amazing. Not because it was better, but mentally and physically rewarding doing some that was supposedly forbidden and watching her squirm in the process. No it’s all just an act. In her defense. I can be more romantic. Cant remeber the last time I brought flowers or planned a surprise date.

          • OverIt

            All that, I can understand. The thing is, I initiate (or try to anyway) all the time, nearly every day. I’m an active, responsive participant, not a pillow princess, and I’m very open to trying new things, with very few restrictions on what I’m comfortable with. When I initiate, I get complaining responses like I’m asking him to do a chore, like “We just did it 4 days ago!!!”. What used to be 3-4 times a week is 3-4 times a month now, if I’m lucky. In all honesty, I’m humiliated by every rejection and the feeling that I have to beg for this intimacy; so much so that I’m starting to not want sex with him (though I do still very much want sex and don’t want to cheat) and am contemplating the future of our marriage.

          • One other person is typing

            I get it. It’s hard. I have contemplated seeking satisfaction outside too. I love my wife and dont know if I can live with that stain on my conscience. This is a reason why so many married men watch porn and jerk off. I think we all have pride and should just but open and up front with each other.

          • 3rdInfantryDivision

            It only gets worse and less frequent. In December 2019 it was 2 yrs of my wife refusing. Finally I offered her money like a whore and she accepted. She couldbt deal with me wanting it a couple times a week and happily paying her like a prostitute that she pretty much is, so she terminated the deal. And back to no sex.

        • 3rdInfantryDivision

          Well your likely will be parting ways. Once wife doesn’t feel like it, it’s over. Once the lust is gone it’s waste of time.

    • Elise

      What happens then when u want to and like to give ur husband oral but he will never go down on you I mean never I think he’s done in twice since I’ve known him. I think I pretty good and giving it but her doesn’t want to be even that close or to give it in return

  • Olivia

    I have been in a sexless marriage for 10 years now. My husband has so many issues and no interest in me or sex I dont think he satisfies himself either. We got into a fight and he claimed he was gay and then he blames me and told me I made him gay then he took the comment back? I said thats a serious comment you dont throw around he claims its no big deal. But all the signs are there I assume hes got to be gay. Any toughts would help me

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      He probably is gay because no straight man would ever answer that way. Ever

  • Tony Munoz

    Here’s my reason, i always want sex and 75 percent chance my wife denies me, 5 percent chance she’s the one that initiates anything. It’s been like this for a good while, I’m tired of it, she’s nearing her second trimester, she’s going to be super horny and I’m going to give her a taste of her own medicine. There’s my reason, spite. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, i would try to please her whenever she wanted it even if i wasn’t in the mood.

    • John

      Exactly. Don’t initiate, ever. And turn her down if she initiates. Take away her power. If she divorces you, you’re well rid of her. Always make sure the woman dumps you; that way they have no excuse when they go psycho.

      • Jenn Haskin

        What if she’s a traditional woman and never had any power to begin with. He holds my life in his hands. He determines MY sex life. What do I do to make him happy? and don’t just say, “lose weight” because my husband’s a chubby chaser. He doesn’t think I’m fat at all. I’m just little.

    • Jenn Haskin

      Wait a minute, just playing devil’s advocate. You said, If it was her that wanted it, you would try to please her whenever she wanted it. Then you also say you know she’s going to want it, so you are going to be purposefully cruel and make her suffer because she hurt your feelings. And yes, I do understand how painful the rejection is. But what you’re saying is I would please her even if I didn’t want to, but she said no, so I’m going to hurt her. That starts a neverending cycle of doom for your marriage, friend. That is keeping a record of wrongs. My husband refuses EVERY offer of sex I give him, not gay, not having an affair, he “feels fat,” but when he finally does ask for it I have two choices. I can either reject him back so he knows how it feels, or I can finally enjoy getting some. If I reject him back, though, he wasn’t offering before, he’s certainly not going to offer now. In fact, he will probably do the same damn thing and reject me on purpose the next time. And we’ll never have sex again. Sometimes you just have to shut up and do it because.

  • middlechamber

    I have been in a sexless marriage for close to 30 years. I love my wife and would never ask for a divorce, just because of no sex, especially in our age of life. She has a physical and psychological situation, and there is nothing I can do. Unfortunately when it first started she refused to speak about it and because of feeling rejection and a build up of animosity I suffer from depression. Don’t feel sorry, I’m not asking for sympathy, it’s just the way it is.

    • Rita Fox

      Then have a discreet affair. You will so much happier and less depressed. Unless you have guilt feelings. I don’t. Go online and see what happens.

      • Rita Fox

        Just realized this really is a Christan site so my answers are really not going to go over well at all. Sorry folks. No disrespect intended. I just don’t happen to agree with a lot of Christianity.

        • Loss22

          Terrible advice Christian or not. If his wife already has psychological problems do you think it’s do her well to maybe discover this. Yikes! Don’t give anymore advice.

          • middlechamber

            Believe it or not, I had to have a hospital psychologist intervene with me when I was rejecting care in ICU for an MI I was experiencing. His advice was also to have a discrete affair. I heard the same from Social Services as they too intervened while I was in their care. It wasn’t a heartless or perverted advice. Surrogates have been accepted for years and my situation of the 25-30 years of depression helped bring on the MI.
            After an hours discussion I relented to take antidepressants for a short time to get emotions regulated. I didn’t want to be saved, I wanted it over. Antidepressants work, they make you forget, but the effects physically cause CHEMICAL CASTRATION if used continually and happens quickly.
            So their only other method of curing a males problem of not receiving Gods Gift to Married people is to force chemical castration on them if they have a partner that isn’t receptive, instead of trying to figure out the partners real problem.
            So please tell me is that something God would approve of? Forcing chemical castration on a perfectly good person because his partner has the problem? Chemical castration also causes other problems especially when all of a sudden a young & healthy man finds himself fine one day and impotent the next,& yes even with an MI, I was back working construction two weeks later . Ending ones existence starts to enter ones thoughts and as well is another part of all psycho drugs that nobody tells you about.
            I am a Christian and haven’t strayed but which is worse in Gods Eye an affair or suicide because that’s what most antidepressants have/cause as side effects.

      • middlechamber

        In a remote tightly knit area and too old to draw any interest

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      That is rediculous. 30 years? What a wasted life

  • Susan Chambers

    It’s a mans responsibility to have sex with his wife,I had this problem with my husband too but I was able to find the reason for it after a friend introduced me to an hacker who helped me revealed my husbands hidden secrets and I got to realize he was seeing other women.if a man shows no interest in you then he is ignoring his biological want and it is almost a certainty that he is cheating contact hackersclub727 @gmail. Com today to save your marriage…..

  • patti gaulden santoso

    We have been married 17 years and we have been together 18 years. While not Olympian our sex life was decent. There was the occasional erectile dysfunction or when I caught him masturbating because he didn’t want to “bother” me. On our 10th anniversary I stumbled onto porn on his computer that he freely handed to me to use. I was looking for a photo file. He stood there and lied to me. 3 years later he admitted it. In 2015 he began an affair with a woman off Craigslist. When I discovered it- he lied again, then it was because he wanted to see if he could “keep it up”, then it was my fault. This last October he exploded at me over finances and again started the “Craigslist” routine. That affair was never consummated and I know that for fact. But here I am at 1:27 am in the morning talking to strangers because my frustration is unbearable. My husband checks out physically. He claims- it’s “not me”. I tried to talk tonight and he fell asleep. I pray and try to be patient. I am not sure I can continue.

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      Find yourself another male companion. 1 of 2 things will happen. You and male companion could fall in love and or have fabulous sex or maybe not fabulous or your husband will suddenly pursue you like a mule deer in rutt. He will be very horny for you and want a lot of sex from you. It’s how men are programmed. Once their territory threatened they become extremely protective of it. Once their woman in danger of being taken by another man they will turn on a dime.

  • Jen

    Are there any male veterans with PTSD who care to chime in on this? My husband Has tested with both low T and also has..or we’ll had combat related PTSD. A few years in to our marriage and a child later (was nearly impossible to conceive bc of lack of sex), he finally got help for the PTSD. He’s good there now, except the medication I think doesn’t exactly help in the low sex drive department. Unfortunately, he’s been totally unwilling to take anything or make any changes really to address his low T. The longest we’ve gone without sex is 1 year. On average though, I’d say it happens maybe 5 times a year at this point. I’m a sex 5 days a week, maybe twice a day kind of girl. I’m 34, 5’8, 125lb, and I used to be a model. I have a hot plate of home cooked food ready for my husband every night, I keep a near spotless house…the list goes on. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’m pretty convinced that it isn’t anything that I either am or am not doing to make my husband not want sex. I don’t disrespect my man, I know my place. I am mostly quiet and passive.

    I’m an Orthodox Christian and it goes against my faith to cheat or divorce. By Gods grace, I’ve stayed in my marriage. Sadly, I sometimes think to myself that maybe my husband will go before me so that I can once again enjoy intimacy with a man before I die. I never dreamed that this is what married life would be like. I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel trapped. When I bring it up, my husband becomes infuriated and basically tells me to leave if I have a problem with his lack of desire.

    • Shy

      Pretty much in the same boat and I want to scream!!! I’m left feeling unwanted and hopeless because I took a vow and now my sex life died.

    • Pond

      Very similar boat as you Jen and Shy. I’m disabled to the point where I cannot work, so I am mostly a housewife. Husband won’t touch me anymore. And I can’t leave. Also Christian, and I try to keep my focus on Christ, because we will all be going home soon. The Rapture or death are the only things I look forward to anymore.

      • Jenn Haskin

        I wish you would contact me. Same boat. I’m disabled so I can’t work, and I can’t leave, also a Christian. But he won’t make love, or touch me at all unless I initiate a hug. And he hates kissing, which if he’d been honest with me about before marriage, would have been a complete dealbreaker for me. It would have been over. Done, sorry. I have no desire to spend the rest of my life not being kissed. It used to be so important to me. But when I asked him why he didn’t do all that stuff anymore, like kiss me, he responded, “That was courting behavior.”

        What?! You mean I fell in love with THAT guy, but he’s not real? I’m married now to someone I’ve never met? He was everything I wanted him to be. And he was perfect. And he’s gone. We’ve been celibate 10 of the 16 years we’ve been married. Who’s the one using sex to manipulate? Not me. I’m just disgusting, apparently. I’m not depressed, there is nothing psychologically wrong with me, I just don’t need to shower every day. It causes me pain to stand and it takes forever to wash thick hair and shave all the time, yada yada.

        My heart is raw. I don’t know what to do anymore. He admits things need to change but if I even bring it up he’s like, “Gah! THIS again?!” Well, yeah. It hurts EVERY DAY that I’m rejected. Years ago, I even tried to initiate, but he said it felt like I raped him. So I have to wait for his initiation, which never comes. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon on our 10th year anniversary, and we only had sex on the last night because I cried so hard about not doing it all week that I got pity sex. And it sucked.

        I just wish I knew what to do. Maybe this is it for me. But I can’t accept that because if I admit it’s hopeless…well, I just can’t yet…

        • Pond

          Will pray for you, Jenn <3 <3 Hope all is well!

          • MM

            It’s nice to know women are in the same boat. I don’t know how to go on in a sexless marriage. We shared the same expectations for sex frequency prior to getting married then it all changed. I’m now 7 months pregnant and he hasn’t wanted me sexually since we have been married, 8 months ago. I‘ve been physically and verbally rejected 100+ times. We have been in counseling and the last the counselor has “helped” us with was having my husband say how he doesn’t even want me to initiate, ask, or talk about sex on top of not wanting it. Oh but he doesn’t want to talk about divorce or having an open relationship. When I got married, I wasn’t signing up for celibacy.

          • Pond

            MM, I wish I could give you some magic words to fix your marriage. The
            best I can offer are words of comfort. His lack of desire might get
            better after you have your baby and things settle down. He could be
            under a lot of stress that you don’t know about, but because I don’t
            know him I cannot give you a clear cut answer. My husband talked to a
            counselor on his own a few times, but he never went back. Things did get
            better between us emotionally a little bit, it has been months since we
            have been intimate. Honestly, I don’t want sex anymore either, at least
            not with him. I am not saying I will cheat, because I won’t. But I no
            longer have any desire for a man that has no desire for me. Our marriage
            failed, but I still look at this gold ring on my finger and remember
            that it wasn’t just a promise to my husband but it was also a promise to
            God. And through God, He has gotten me through the rough days. I live
            with the expectation that I will never have sex again. Biggest thing to
            remember is that just because your husband isn’t interested in you
            sexually doesn’t mean anything about your appearance or your self
            confidence. Always remember, you are loved, you have value, and you have
            purpose. I distracted myself a lot with hobbies and what not on the
            lonely days. I’m sure your new baby will be a distraction. Congrats
            <3 I hope you are all well and I will say a prayer for you MM and
            your hubby!

          • MM

            Thanks for your reply, Pond. I understand completely not wanting your husband when he isn’t desiring you and I feel the same way but still long for our marriage to work. Thank you for your encouraging words and prayer, it’s hard to feel loved or valued in relationships like this. I’m grateful for this forum and knowing we’re not alone.

    • Jenn Haskin

      Oh my gosh, me too. I caught myself the other day wondering if this was just going to be my celibate marriage for the rest of my life? I, too, wondered (because he talks all the time about how he’ll die early) if someone who “wanted” me would come along when he was gone? I won’t cheat and I won’t leave. It would traumatize the kids, anyway. First it was, “the house isn’t clean enough,” so I started cleaning better. Then it was, “you aren’t in bed early enough.” But when he falls asleep at 8:30, there’s not much point in being in bed if I have things to do. Now, it’s a “hygiene issue.” He takes 2-3+ showers a day. Four a day in the summer.

      I have NEVER taken daily showers. I don’t believe it’s necessary. Hair and skin have protective oils. If I was going to the gym or something, yes. But I sit in my house (disabled) and I edit manuscripts all day. I don’t move around much and I’m not sweaty or smelly. It’s his brain. He is very analytical, a computer genius. He doesn’t understand me. I wondered, “how did it get this far?” I’ve never been the way he wants now. BUT I realized that we always shower before sex, and back when we were doing it 3-5 times a week, I had a shower 3-5 a week. It was never an issue. He’s waiting for me to take daily showers to go back to sex. What? Just get your libido back and I will automatically be taking more showers.

      But he says he feels fat and undesirable, even though I tell him how sexy he is and how I don’t mind at all, I just want love and making love. *sigh* I won’t hurt him by stepping out. He just hurts me with it every day. I, like you, could do it every day of the week. Minimum. I thought I’d found someone who could keep up with me. But only if I meet the conditions, I guess. I’ll just exist as his roommate for the rest of my life. It’s already been ten years now of only making love once a year. I feel hopeless.

  • RR M

    First off, on #8, as a woman in a marriage that has undergone counseling (even before marriage) and argued over sex for years (couple age 29/30 married for 5 together for 7 yrs) I 100% disagree that no sex is worse than bad sex. ”Bad sex” leaves me more angry and feeling worse than none. If I can do a better job with a toy in under 5 minutes it isn’t worth the waste of enegry I put it to make it ‘good/interesting’ for him (especially since nothing works). If he can’t keep it up for 3 minutes, then he needs to deal with whatever the problem is. I am sick of hearing that whatever the problem is (regardless of it is mine or his) that it is mine to broach and it is mine to deal with. I call BS. I have tried everything. Lingerie, losing weight (mind you at my ”fattest” I was 145 lbs, so a bit chubby), getting near abs level low body fat fit (I’m a marathon runner training for a triathlon) cooking, cleaning, etc etc. Every BS thing a stereotype wife should be/do. Nothing has worked. Year after year we have the same fight, and year after year nothing changes. Why is it MY responsibility to bring it up? To deal with it? When it is HIS problem? When I have told him to ask his doctor. When he has told me his doctor said low drive happens and is normal in a 27 year old man? Sure. So I’m supposed to live my life like this? I am tired of being the one to bring it up, and I am tired of him pretending like this has never happened before when he goes limp after 2 minutes or when we haven’t had sex in months. I don’t even know how to bring it up anymore when he pretends like it hasn’t happened before. All I can do is roll over, dejected. 100 times I ask him to do some research and at this point, I call BS on the sheer amount of pressure put on women to entertain their men. If I had a man who gave me a life of luxury and an active sex life, sure, I’ll swoon to his matcho ego and play his game, but let’s face it. For 99% of the population, that isn’t the case. So I ask myself, I have already wasted my 20’s in a lackluster marriage, do I keep going because it is comfortable, or do I fulfill myself as a human being and find someone else who satisfies my sexual and emotional needs? Why is all of the BS I read always tailored to one gender or another? BS. It is a 50/50 game no matter how you slice the pie. If he is old and rich and you are young and hot and that satisfies the needs, yay! If it is two men who meld, yay! Two women, yay! Two whoever who make it work, yay! Stop making the issue about gender and one needing to do something specific to appease the other. Start making it about human beings needing to deal with their problems and stop pretending their problems don’t exist or aren’t their own to deal with. If sex is painful for me, I go to the doctor and find out why and if it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences of my IUD and what it has done to me, then you better believe it is his responsibility to deal with ED and not pretend it is new every time. I will NOT be told it is my fault or my responsibility, and I should not have to be the one to bring it up. If you have a problem, sex related or otherwise, be an adult and deal with it. See a doctor or a therapist. Like this article mentions, I’m not your mom, and frankly, I dont want to be- it is a huge turn off when you can’t survive on your own. Make an appointment or set aside time to talk and deal with it. Is it fun? No. Is it comfortable, no. Welcome to life. If I can roll into a doctor’s office and ask them to shove a wand in my junk to see what’s going on (every 6 months, yay polycystic ovaries at 29) then you better believe I expect a man to be able to roll into his doctor’s office and explain what’s going wrong with his junk and insist on dealing with it instead of taking ‘thats normal/fine’ as an answer when it clearly isn’t. This crap has got to stop. Both genders are guilty and both need to deal with their shit. I’m venting here, but honestly I need to. So here it is.

    • Pond

      Beautifully said!

    • samsonite viewing


      Darn it covid

      Been years need to leave but I guess everything else is maybe fine…

      But kids and etc

      Sooooo depressed

      What u wrote was is so perfectly said

      I just wanna cry

    • Lexa

      Well written, my point of view. Brought me down to tears. This is my situation. I need to join an all female group that I can discuss my issues without hinderance. Suppressing a lot at the moment. I thinking of looking outside but do not have the guts and I am scared. Never knew that time will come when I will actually think of cheating

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  • jeff adamson

    Ladies…there are only a few reasons he won’t.
    1..he is gay
    2..he is impotent
    3…he has a side chick
    4…he is really turned off by you.
    5…he is still mad over something you have done.

    • Nora

      #6. Internet porn.

      • 3rdInfantryDivision

        Come on. No way. Men use porn when their wives have rejected them so much that they get angry enough to do it. I use to jerkoff to videos my wife and I made 10 yrs ago and all her nude pics with her blessing but menopause stole her entire sexual being and she refuses to get help. I’m seriously contemplating a sexual relationship with another woman and also divorce. I no longer use the videos as it’s like what’s the point. It only frustrates me. So I will use porn for sexual relief for now.

  • Cathie2027

    Sheesh . Sex is not that important. Food, shelter, acess to healthcare is.

    You dont need sex to live – it’s for procreation only. Jesus what is wrong with you people!?!

    Are you that insecure with yourselves that you need someone to “desire” you? My god!

    • jeff adamson

      Wow….you are so sad. I really pity your poor husband.

    • OverIt

      So you personally only have sex if you’re hoping to concieve?

      • Cathie2027


        • Gordon

          Well, I REALLY DO feel sorry for your husband!

  • OverIt

    I finally gave up. I had a brief conversation with my husband, and told him that I have changed my expectation of him, and will no longer be seeking any physical affection from him, since I have to fight and beg for even a hug, and always feel so worthless because of it. (This didn’t become a problem until about 2 years after we got married) We’ve talked about this many times, and he’s had plenty of encouragement and opportunity to do better. We’re basically platonic roommates now.

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      Let him know that you receptive to other men and will be making a move soon and then get a male friend or 2 with lots of texting. He’ll snap right out of it and he’ll become extremely desirous of you.

  • OverIt

    Any men want to chime in on why a husband might say he wants more sex, but also reject all attempts by his wife to have more sex? We’ve gone round and round with this a lot, and it’s so hurtful and frustrating I’m ready to just stop having sex at all to end the cycle.

    • RJ

      It could be the timing. It’s more difficult if we are tired. It could also be the amount of emotion out into. I don’t know. I kind of have the opposite problem I want sex but don’t like initiating it for some reason, maybe because I have always thought women to be more needy in terms of non sexual physical intimacy. She may want it but doesn’t tell me. So I assume she doesn’t want it.

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      Men do not like to be pursued. A needy woman is pathetic. It’s like they are desperate. We want what we cannot have. Your toooo available and easy. Only reason I’m married 27 yrs is I’ve had to pursue my wife constantly. But now she’s post menopausal and sex over for her that I’m at the point of giving up now and leaving her. It’s a fine line. Make friends with another man and make your husband worry about that. He’ll be trying to get you naked immediately

  • r

    l think the Hollywood idea of men having higher sex drives is not true and mainly comes because men are more vocal when they don’t get sex

  • Monarch Serenity

    My husband of 11 years (coming May 31st) does not like to have sex with me. He’s given me every excuse in the book over the years. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in 11 years. I’m about to be 54 and my libido is up there. I need release! Giving it to myself is not enough! We almost divorced here recently because of this issue and others. We decided to try to work it out. He’s been real sweet and attentive, but still no sex. I am overweight, but I am also losing weight now. I feel I look a heck of a lot better than I did, but apparently, not enough for him. It makes me feel ugly and disgusting. I believe I’m over this. Problem with that is, now I have no access to funds to even leave. He has cut me out of access. I have nowhere to go and no money because he doesn’t want me to work. I’m ready to scream.

    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      Find a man who takes an interest in you. Start communicating with that man. Make sure your husband becomes aware of this male suitor and that he’s interested in you. I guarantee your husband will desire sex with you immediately and frequently. Men do not like to be pursued. It’s a turn off. When you suddenly take away something from the man like potentially his wife, he will suddenly pursue you like a rutting buck. I guarantee it

      • Monarch Serenity

        He turned physically abusive on me and our divorce was final in February this year. I have a new man in my life that I’ve known over 20 yrs and he’s wonderful to me. Thank you for your response though. I just couldn’t take it anymore. 11 years of emotional and mental abuse. I was done trying. God bless you!

        • 3rdInfantryDivision

          Sorry you had to deal with abuse but I’m happy for you that you cut your losses. I’ve been married to a incompatible woman for 27 years. I should have divorced at year 7 when she had an affair. I spent years trying to do everything she wanted so I could get my “sexual reward”. I’m still young 52 and I finally have outgrown the BS.

          • Monarch Serenity

            I understand completely! I’m in the same age group. Its our group’s time now.

        • Marylou

          I’m glad you got out of the abuse and are happy and loved. No one should have to live with abuse.

  • Ryland Reid

    Here we go again —
    Ladies let me give it to you straight. You probably let yourself go and gained way too much weight. Or you’re just selfish or boring in bed. Or maybe you’ve never one an entitled shrew. The chance of him just being impotent is small and a nice convenient excuse for you ladies not to change. And these articles do you more harm by telling what want to hear I read of what you need to hear.

    I am in my 3rd marriage that has gone sexless. And for the same reason. They ate themselves into obesity, gladly received oral sex but stopped giving it, kept asking for massages but said their hands were too tired to return the favor.

    And yes, I’m a good looking guy who works out and cleans the house. No matter what I do, all the women I’m in any relationship with always turn into this person after they feel they’ve won me over. It’s a slow slide downhill.

    You know what I do? I start masturbating. But eventually the marriage falls apart because one of us cheats.

    Physical attraction matters a lot. It only hurts people when these articles suggest it’s ok to let your become unattractive and still tell our partners they’re obligated to have sex with us. Whatever happened to respecting personal boundaries? If someone is repulsed with having sex with obese people then respect it or do something about your unhealthy lifestyle if you want to have sex with that person again.


    • Pond

      It’s not just woman that can gain weight and be selfish with oral sex but men too. My husband gained a bunch of weight, but that doesn’t bother me. I am in love with the person he is inside, not his body. So your blanket statement of gaining too much weight is a load of sheet. You may be a good looking guy, but your good looks won’t last forever no matter how much effort you put into maintaining it. Say that physical attraction matters a lot when you are in your 70s.

      • Ryland Reid

        You’re arguing a point I didn’t even make. I never said men can’t get fat or selfish. And there’s a huge difference between someone getting old and someone letting themselves go and putting no effort into being physically attractive for their partner. People who love each other grow old together and anyone with common sense tries to remain reasonably healthy and attractive based on their age. Should people just show up on a first date looking like crap and expect the person to think “oh well one day she’ll be old anyway”.
        None of what you said has anything to do with my point that the article assumes something is wrong with the man and that the most a woman could do to change this is to not wear flannel pajamas. Where’s the personal accountability in this? NOWHERE.

  • Sandra Billy

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  • Victoria

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    • 3rdInfantryDivision

      Push pull theory, right?

  • Dobry

    I am the most happiest woman on earth right now, My husband that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying for me to take him back. Dr Mutaba is a true and real Psychics He brought back my husband”Here’s his content if you have any problem. Email him at: jacobman41@outlook. com

  • 3rdInfantryDivision

    How about the wives who charge money for sex. Oh yeah, I had that problem too. I had to pay for sex with my wife. So I told her a certain amount for certain sex acts. This actually worked out for a few weeks but I desire sex every couple days and she couldn’t handle it so she quit on that arrangement. So I basically just treat her like a roommate who I try to avoid and don’t talk to. I’d love to find a nice sexy 30 something woman who would be agreeable to a sex for money situation. I don’t want a prostitute, just a beautiful young woman who will meet my needs sexually, who likes to be pleased sexually and I’m willing to provide financial assistance which I no longer will give my wife any money.

    • John

      Don’t sleep with a whore. That’s what your wife is.

  • Marylou

    How do I start? I don’t know I never thought I would have to write in a forum like this. My ex was a violent unstable man I was madly in love with him, I broke up with him and stayed celibate for 8 years just to go back to him which is when he seriously damaged my back 7 months after we got married, before then we would have sex every day sometimes twice or three times, after my back it was still a few times a week. The violence got deadly so i left and divorced him, stayed single and celibate for 4 years remarried a nice man who has also been injured he nearly lost both his legs but they saved them he looks like a shark bit a chunk out a leg but he is still in better condition than me with my back, it’s been a decade and my back is really bad and I have days where I can’t move sometimes for days. But when I can I do stuff, I’m an artist I raised 2 boys who are now young adults. My hubby is a bigger guy, likes his food, I’m not able to exercise like I used to before my back I jury but I still do what I can. I look after myself I’m about 63kg am considered pretty I guess he’s now fifty I’m pushing 48, I’ve been told I don’t look it. His last marriage broke up because of lack of sex, they have a son together and he visits every holidays. His wife and he are friends, her and I are good friends. She had hormonal problems too much testosterone so he said it really turned him off when she stopped looking after herself so she eventually told him she couldn’t cope anymore they hadn’t had sex in about 5 years. Now we probably have it only about once a month maybe twice. If I’m not in serious pain I’m up for it. I can only go on top because of my injury but it’s still fun, when it happens. He seems more interested in his game or facebook than me. I get new underwear I get a it looks nice babe that’s all, barely kisses me, we hardly ever hold hands, it’s like he friend zones me every so often. I even ask him if he’s friend zoned me again we have a joke about it but it hurts me, it’s like he just doesn’t want me, or put in an effort, and I don’t want to initiate it all the time I want to feel wanted, it makes me sad. He’s a really nice guy but sometimes I wonder if we are just friends. I’m frustrated I talk to him about it and it goes in one ear and out the other.

  • Loise

    This is the least helpful article I’ve come across. I effing hate flannel anything, but shaming women for not meeting some weird male-centric fantasy is beyond the pale. Dudes don’t give a #$&+ about how they look when they want to go to sleep comfortably (e.g., my husband’s silly basketball shorts). Basically, you seem to be of the old guard, expecting women to conform to your fantasies. So go *insert expletive here* and consider your sexism and entitlement issues.

  • John

    Guys you need to wake up. It is impossible to be happy in 2020 if you allow a woman into your life. MGTOW is the answer. Don’t look at them, don’t approach them, don’t talk to them, don’t flirt with them, don’t date them, don’t ever have sex with one, and for goodness sake don’t ever marry one. Do you play Russian Roulette? No? Then why would you ever get into a relationship with a woman? They can’t bring anything positive into your life. Not. A. Thing. My life started the day I eliminated women from it.

  • Monica

    My husband watches porn gets on dating sites behind my back all he wants me to give blow jobs .We use to amazing sex now he not interested and im getting bored with giving him bj then he only give me 69 not very good …..I try talking to him he walks away dont talk to me…

  • Sheena Newberry

    I need help with my sex life my husband doesn’t want to unless its convenient to him when I try he says he is feeling bad or belly ache or something on that matter..what do I do BC I’ve done everything???? Thanks Sheena

  • Kerry Keene

    What about when you have a great relationship but he works alot and we have 2 small children but I put them down take a shower put on sexy little outfits tell him daily I love him and how sexy he is I’ve even lost almost 40 pounds and he still says hes to tired or is asleep before I even get the kids down. Then in the morning it’s like he dresses quietly b4 kissing me and slipping out the room. He swears hes attracted to me and loves me hes just too tired even when I tell him how unwanted I feel he tells me I’m crazy and he loves me but no change happens. I love this man with everything in me hes 34 and I’m 32 we should have great sex all the time not go a month or more without doing more then kiss goodnight or goodbye 😕

  • NOLA

    Hate to tell you it is not all the wife’s fault. For years, my husband refused a physical which would have pointed out low testosterone. I resent him for this and will never forgive him for ruining some of the best years of out marriage. Now, I reaching menopause and want nothing to do with him.

  • Andra

    What I’ve learned is that even the strongest marriages can have problems in the bedroom. I think we’re led to believe that sex is something that should naturally happen but it takes effort in long term relationships. If you used to have great sex then this is something that can be easily fixed. I highly recommend Brad Browning’s stuff on this, it’s gold. You can find his guide at: MendMarriageGuide.Com

  • Dr Fletcher

    My wife cheated and came home with a STI. I nice touched her again, The marriage took three long miserable years to die. I know many men will not have sex with their wife once they know she is stepping out