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8 Reasons My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me

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When I wrote a blog post called “8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me” I got a lot of great feedback from it and it was viewed over 300,000 times on the first day alone. But one question I kept hearing afterward was: “Could you write one for women and explain to me why my husband won’t have sex with me?

Sure. Sounds easy.

Right?

I asked a few friends for answers, and most of us just scratched our heads. Men who don’t want to have sex? Overwhelmingly, we heard this was the case and women wanted answers.

Now, I don’t speak from experience on this one. I am always up for sex, so I looked for thoughts on this topic from some friends, including Dave Wilson, Adam Palmer, Shaunti Feldhahn, Dave Willis and Jon Kitna.

Just like my first post, this is not a definitive list by any means; I’m putting it out there to hopefully encourage you talk about this stuff with your spouse. If you can be honest and open with your spouse about your sex life, you can often get to the bottom of this without even reading this blog. If you don’t know how to talk to each other, enlist a counselor to help you learn how to communicate.

Before I hit the list, let me offer a couple of statistics:

A recent survey of couples discovered that those who said they were fulfilled sexually had sex on average 2.5 times a week. So that’s something to think about (especially how you can get that 0.5 every week).

According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, defined as making love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it is definitely one of the best ways to maintain intimacy (Tweet This!).

Okay, now let’s look at the list of 8 reasons your husband won’t have sex with you:

1. No  Man Wants To Have Sex With His Mom. This is all about respect.   No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him. If you are always on him, critiquing and complaining about what he does or doesn’t do, then he’d probably rather have sex with himself because he knows you aren’t satisfied with his performance in the bedroom, either. There’s a lot more where that came from.

2. He Doesn’t Feel Wanted. Men want to be wanted. In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, 66% of men said it is very important that they feel wanted by their spouse. Getting sex wasn’t enough by itself—just like wives want to be wanted, husbands also want to be wanted.  Your desire for him is a huge foundation that helps him have confidence in his daily life. I also talked about this in the last post a bit, the games couples play with sex about who initiated last time and all that. If there have been times before in your marriage where you have turned him down, then he just might not have the guts to initiate sex out of fear of rejection. I mentioned this last week and said that this was his issue and he needs to lead, but hopefully this helps you understand why he is not wanting sex and it could be he doesn’t want to get rejected again.

3. He’s Dealing With Medical Issues or Depression. It’s very possible your husband has some kind of medical issue or depression that he just doesn’t want to deal with. We men… we tend to be pretty terrible about acknowledging our weaknesses, even when they’re affecting us and making us lose our appetite for sex. As some of you know, I was sick for months this past year. One of the medicines I decided to take (out of the several that were prescribed) knocked me out at nighttime and left me barely able to wake up in the morning. I noticed that if I took this pill before bed, I had no desire for sex and couldn’t even get it up. Yeah. My wife actually laughed when this happend and then I grabbed the bottle from the bathroom and showed her that was a side effect of the medicine. That was the last day on that medicine. Anyway, there are several different issues your husband could be dealing with medically that effect his sex life and drive. It might be time for a trip to the doctor.

4. Flannel Pajamas Suck (Tweet This!). Let’s just be honest: guys are visual and if you aren’t putting any effort into what you look like and making the bedroom an incredible place to be, then he might not be turned on. Life happens—aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain—you’re not going to look the way you did when you two first met. Fortunately, the deeper we love someone, the less importance we place on the exterior and the more we focus on the interior. That said: It doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact, like resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, or actually putting on some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. My friend Shaunti and I are writing a book called Visual, talking about the visual nature of men, and she mentions men’s “visual rolodex” (or to update it: “visual hard drive”) in her book For Women Only. Wives should be the default image on their husband’s visual hard drive, so make a commitment to take care of yourself as best as you can—maybe you’ll inspire your husband and the two of you can work together to get a healthier lifestyle—both physically and emotionally—and make yourselves visually exciting for each other.

(71.3% of men in the U.S are obese or overweight compared to 68% of women. So, guys you got to work on this even more then your wives)

It will pay off big-time when you’re naked in bed with the lights on.

5. You Pay More Attention To Facebook than to Him. Maybe this is just me, but it seems like most men I know are done with Facebook. If it isn’t Facebook, it will be something else next week but come on, already. The comments, the posts the likes, the shares… put the damn thing down for a bit and connect with the person in your bed. Words with Friends, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and all these other things have crept into our bedrooms and become a distraction. Now, guys are not immune to this problem – in my house it’s ESPN and my “girlfriend” (my wife’s nickname for my laptop), so make an agreement that, after the kids go to bed, you put everything away and try and connect with each other.

6. He’s Getting It Somewhere Else. Studies show that most (not all) guys need sex every three days or less. If you aren’t having sex anywhere close to this frequency, then I would have to wonder where else he is getting it—either through an affair or through porn. Don’t go hiring someone from the television show Cheaters just yet, but do have a frank discussion with him about the possibility. Most guys or gals will lie when confronted as well, so these are not just easy conversations to ask once and just accept it and move on. Dive into this and get to a place of honesty—and don’t be afraid to enlist a trusted counselor for help if you need it. (And if it’s porn, we can help. Here are some resources you can check out to point him to that help.

7. His Walls Are Up. In the same way that wives can put up walls, so can husbands. While men tend to be fairly good at compartmentalizing their needs, it’s still possible for an issue to build up to the point where it creates a wall. It can be a major issue in your relationship or just in your personal life that affects the two of you relationally, spiritually, or physically. It could be your own depression or physical health, or a change in character that has him wondering what’s going on. Whatever it is, look for signals to talk about it, then run toward that conflict and deal with it. It may be hard, but it’s worth it. Talk. Listen. Then listen some more. Own up to anything you might need to take responsibility for, and remember you’re in this together.

8. He’s English and Prefers Gardening to Sex

I hope this helps. I really hate to see married folks not having sex—even terrible sex is better than no sex (Tweet This!). And if your sex is terrible, that just means you get to practice more!

Get to work.

 

This article was originally published here and is used with permission – http://www.xxxchurch.com/spouses/8-reasons-my-husband-wont-have-sex-with-me.html

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  • Trump Democrat

    Or, maybe it’s because the wife turned him down enough times that he has enough respect to have turned himself off to you. It’s hard for a guy to turn back on if he actually had enough willpower and self respect to turn off in the first place.

    • Eryn

      That’s not how it is in my marriage. I’ve never rejected my husband. We didn’t have sex before we got married, and on our honeymoon he rejected me several times. I cried myself to sleep many times throughout our first year of marriage, because he would reject me. It’s hard that most things say it’s either the woman who is sucking all the desire out of her partner by nagging or not being attractive enough, or he’s having an affair or he’s gay. There’s not much support for women with husbands with low libido

      • tony

        theres not much support for men whose wives do not want to sleep with them either .Trust me

    • Lesley

      How come any time a wife is neglected sexual it must be the woman’s fault?

      • BigEinBigD

        It’s not…but it’s also more common than you’re willing to acknowledge, too.

        It is certainly the case in my marriage; after years of rejecting my advances for a plethora of reasons, I just stopped trying. I focused on myself instead; I got into the gym…lost weight…gained muscle and tone…even completed a half-marathon. I got better at my job…two promotions within a 3 year period. I took up new hobbies that I enjoy spending time on. I was the happiest I’d been in a very long time. In fact, I still am.

        Then one night as we were having a drink at a restaurant’s bar waiting for our table, a woman briefly flirted with me while my wife was in the restroom (I’d forgotten my wedding ring in my car because I don’t lift with it on and I met my wife for dinner having come straight from the gym). In a stroke of pure timing/luck, I was able to thank her but tell her that I was married…jesturing to my wife who was approaching us, looking concerned.

        That was over a year ago now. Ever since then, she has ratcheted up the efforts to lure me. It’s not because she wants to make love. It’s not because she desires me. It’s not because I attract her. It’s because, suddenly, someone else was interested in what’s her’s…that stirred a territorial response in her…and she wanted to protect what’s hers. That kind of desperation is anything but attractive or endearing.

        I’m not interested in an affair in any way, and I’m quite confident that she is not either; it goes against both of our personal and religious convictions on the matter. However, I also haven’t made an attempt to initiate with my wife, and do not plan to. Frankly, I’m happier without it, and if I’m to be completely honest, I just don’t have the drive/urge for it anymore anyway. God loves every her…she still tries, and yes…there are arguments about it often. She’s begged for forgiveness for rejecting me all those times, but there is nothing to forgive her of in my view.

        They say sex is a basic human need…like food, water, and sleep. If you’re not hungry, then it’s normal to turn down food when offered. If you’re not thirsty, then you’re not likely to go chug a gallon of water on a whim. If you had a good nights sleep, then the last thing you want to do upon waking is go back to sleep. So why is it then, in a case like mine, I’m supposed to have sex when I’m not aroused or interested?

        • tony

          amen , Ive been trying to get my wife to make love to me and we do do it about once a month but the amount of rejections before that is ridiculous. I have tried to be understanding because we have a son together but now if i reject her i am the bad guy? great post made me think

        • Chloe

          Sounds like you’re just married to a friend. I don’t believe you when you say you’re happy. You sound very unhappy, and in turn making your wife feel worthless begging forgiveness and you toss her aside. I came here cause I @thiught@ I had a problem. But after reading comments I realize mine is “normal” and nothing to be worried about. But your comment just irked me, your wife dosent turn you on and you’d rather do anything than be with her? Geez just put your marriage out of its misery.

  • Joy

    Sigh. Another article confirming that marriages where the man has the lower drive are definitely weird. What would you think if a lady from your church started a small group to support women in sexually neglectful marriages? Probably that her husband isn’t a real man. We can’t admit our problem because people act like it’s not even real–when it is very, painfully, horribly real. The attitude presented here is what has made me strongly consider a confidential support group for women who are sexually neglected for whatever reason to discuss feelings of loneliness, shame, and worthlessness. We could go through the incredibly validating book, “The Sex Starved Wife,” by Michelle Weiner Davis (I suggest that you read it since this sort of thing interests you in general). It would probably have to be set up like the ones for post abortion or post abuse care so that both the leaders and participants are unknown to the general church because it would humiliate our husbands to be found out. Imagine living life as a woman, but without anyone really desiring you. It is heartbreaking. PS: Where can I find some of these needy men I keep hearing about? It’s hard not to wonder if we could help each other out…but that’s not really a productive line of thought, huh?

    • A group would be nice. Please contact me through my website where you can find email and social media channels.

    • ex members

      sounds great. After 30 years I thought we would be closer than ever instead I come way down the list long after TV, sport, facebook and even cigarettes! IM miserable I feel defeated and Im starting to think my life will be over without ever really reconnecting with this man I married. I know the heartbreak very well I live it ever night pointlessly waiting for him to join me in bed. Sick of making excuses for him. Feels like Im in a Mother/son relationship urgh

      • Becky Seger MacKinnon

        That will be me in 20 years.

        • Angie

          I’ve been there. I have no advice for you but you do need to understand that your situation WILL NOT improve. In 20 years you will be an older version of yourself. You’ll be wiser but you will be less physically attractive than you are now, more confused that your husband rejected a much younger, more beautiful version of you, and you will probably question everything about your ability to attract. The emotional abuse he has inflicted on you will take intense counselling to repair. Withholding sex in a marriage is a form of abuse. As I said, I’ve been there and finally got out because I asked myself if this is what I was put on this earth to endure. The answer was, NO!
          Ps. Years later our daughter and son both said to me that they respected me so much for divorcing their father. I had no idea they noticed he was cold to me.
          Good luck to you.

      • middlechamber

        I’ve reflected that with my situation more as a Brother/Sister as animosity turns into bickering, so instead I go into my office.

      • Rita Fox

        This is going to be an unpopular response but I’m writing it. 46 years together with sex before we married. On our honeymoon he didn’t feel like it and when I tried to initiate the 2nd time in the week he called me a nympho. We had 3 children and sex was sporadic in between. After the last child it became a few times a year for a few years then stopped. There was ED then but when you don’t use it you lose it. Refused to talk about it despite counseling and oral sex was out as well as anything else. Soooo two years ago I got angry. really angry and I went online and I was careful and I have found out what amazing sex is like. Was I controlling or compulsive about some things. Yes at times I was. But it came after being told over and over and over how I did everything wrong, or other derogatory remarks. I lost myself, my sense of humor and I eventually worked a lot and took care of my children whom I have had and still have a great relationship. Would I do things different? I don’t know. I didn’t have the courage or the self confidence to divorce. Hindsight I would have divorced.

    • tony

      oh there out there this is the first post ive seen like this . I am the husband who wants sex from his wife and cannot get it . I am very touchy feely romantic but i have now been rejected so many times what do i do? i guess there are women who are in the same boat as some men and i feel for everyone in this situation

  • John

    Women never want to hear the truth. Disrespect is a major reason men say no to women.
    The other main reason is to stop her from manipulating him. All women try to manipulate men with sex. When a men says no and doesn’t initiate, he eliminates her ability to manipulate him. He gains the power in the relationship, and the woman freaks out.

    The fact is, women can not be trusted, and it is not safe to be intimate in any way with a woman. Many men are finding out they are much happier when they cut out women from their life. I’d recommend it to anyone. Keep away from women; they are nothing but trouble. The cost is always greater than the benefit.

    • Krista Allen

      Are you gay yet? Those are amazingly broad strokes you’re painting all women with.
      Perhaps if this is your life’s experience with women, I would consider the common denominator in it, and that would be you.

      • John

        And there’s the disrespect and manipulation – “are you gay yet”? Women are so full of themselves that they believe any man who doesn’t instantly salivate over them “must be gay”. Do you know how conceited that sounds? Do you really believe that every man MUST be attracted to you? This is also a homophobic insult, implying that a guy must be less of a man (i.e., gay in your mind) if he doesn’t immediately fall under your spell. Attacking the person (by calling him gay) rather than the argument is an ad hominem attack, or a logically fallacious argument. But then, women aren’t known for their grasp of logic.

        And no, I’m not gay. Although if I were it would make no difference.

        I’ve got some news for you. You’re not special because you have a vagina. 50% of the people on earth have a vagina. You’re not irresistible. In fact, you’re rather pathetic. Keep in mind that women today are competing with porn and video games … and losing … rather badly.

        I’ll repeat what I said above: Your cost is much greater than your benefit. You represent a huge risk with very little reward. Many of us, and more every day, are discovering that we are much better off after cutting you out of our lives completely. You need to start demonstrating some value, but I’d never hold my breath waiting for a woman to take responsibility for her actions. We are done, and we’re not coming back.

        • CutiePatutie

          Well, I keep my hubby happy. Sorry your situation/life is so disappointing. You sound miserable. Hopefully things get better.

        • Lucy Balle

          Stop blaming women for your problems. You, and you alone, are in control of your life. So you cut women out of your life, yet you are still angry and bitter because your life didn’t turn out the way that you expected. Because somehow you believed that you would get everything you wanted just simply because you exist. You are not entitled to anything just because you were born male. Yes, you DO think you are entitled, because you actually believe that someone disagreeing with you and calling you out on your hateful and general statements about women is disrespect. You have no idea what disrespect is. Newsflash: you actually have to WORK at life in order to be successful, and that includes relationships. You get back what you put into it, always. Try leaving your house and developing REAL life interpersonal relationships with both genders. And yes, there are PEOPLE (you really believe men are perfect? Or that somehow women are always the cause when men screw up?) out there who are horrible people. But see that is what is called being HUMAN. Oh and you might want to get some help for your anger, before it kills you.

          • 7mixednotconfused

            Wow u sound just like my abusive Ex 😬

    • ex members

      wow John who destroyed you? Sad you think all women are the same when there are so many of us trying to nurture our relationships ….for many years it was more a case of men manipulating women ….the old ‘if you love me you will……’ suddenly woman are asking and even demanding to feel sexually desired and loved ….I think its men who are doing the ‘freaking out’ to be honest!

      • John

        No, it’s women. And as evidence I’ll point to the ever increasing articles complaining about men who don’t date, won’t call, won’t commit, won’t get married, and won’t initiate sex. And the wedding industry is a multi-billion dollar business that is nearly exclusively aimed at: that’s right, women. You want it, and you’re no longer getting in.

        Men are not going to be used as an accessory to show off to your girlfriends. We are not a box to be checked off so you can “have it all”. We are not a sperm bank and walking ATM.

        And I’ll give you a modern take on your so-called manipulation technique that men supposedly use: If you loved us, you’d go away and leave us alone.

        • Allison Smith

          Good Lord man, where are you meeting women?! Perhaps a change of locale could do you some good. Everyone deserves a happy and fufilling relationship, even you. Plenty of women are just normal gals (with jobs I Might add) I have, literally, never even once used sex as a weapon or a tool. Ever. Because I am a normal person not a lunatic. Do you live on the Far East or far West Coast? Just a guess…

          • Jen

            I am a woman, and John is right on the money. Although, I could do without the inflammatory insults on women. I don’t think that’s necessary to get your point across.

            This dynamic shift between men and women can be blamed largely on the Femenist movement gone awry in my opinion.

            Guys, please know that there are more traditional women still out there who honor the roles of men and women in a partnership.

          • Lucy Balle

            Also that there are women out there who have their own careers, pay for their own cars and houses, who are completely financially independent, and who want to be with a man for companionship not because of what material things he can provide for her. The best way to avoid gold diggers is to tell them you want a prenup if you ever get married. A gold digger will argue and cry then dump and run.

    • Bob Rooney

      Best post ever. disrespect is far more common in the social media era than ever before. take back what they try and take from you. right on, brotha!

    • Wtf

      😂😂😂😂😂

    • Rose

      No sorry, that is so untrue! I have been faith for 28 years!! I started noticing he was hiding acting different and locking his phone. I caught him sexing with a younger women!!
      All he had to say about it was it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it. Things have never been the same. So your full of it!! My husband will learn the hard way! I am the force behind everything that makes him look good, all he does it go to work!
      With out him I can do everything but good luck to him.

  • Gomojomom

    Or, he finds me repulsive and that’s easier to admit he’s gay or bi.

  • TessiJessi

    I definitely think it’s time to bring up counseling. I don’t have sex with my husband for months at a time. I’m always trying to initiate several nights a week, but he just turns away and goes to sleep. I don’t even remember the last time he’s passionately kissed me or touched me besides a peck or a hand hold. I just want to be wanted intimately by the person I thought would love me forever. I cry myself to sleep nightly because of this, and when I bring it up, he just says, “ we need to go to bed earlier!” But if we do that, he falls asleep still. I don’t think he’ll be receptive to marriage counseling because he’s said before, “we can work on it ourselves” but here we are years later, worse situation. I sometimes just want to find someone who finds me attractive and be with them for a night! Look, I love my husband as a person and wouldn’t betray him, but man, I could really use a sex life.

    • Anne

      Thank you for sharing. I been struggling for a long time in my short marriage with this.

    • Mollie

      I’ve been married for 11 yrs now, first 5 were great. We had sex regularly (2-3 times a week) we’ve had our ups and downs like any marriage but In the last few years it has gone down so much that at this point I don’t even remember the last we had sex. We have kids and full time jobs and I understand that he gets tired but he won’t initiate it and when I try he just turns around and goes to sleep. I tried asking him what’s wrong and just says he’s too tired, I told him he makes me feel bad and that I still need it. Nothing works he barely gives me peck on the mouth when he leaves and we never even touch otherwise. I feel so lonely and unwanted that i just cry all the time.

  • Katie

    I want to be touched and desired so bad. I’m only 21 and I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. He used to be crazy for me and I have never turned him down once. In my opinion, I look a whole lot better than I used to. I have long hair, a pretty face, I’m skinny, and I have big boobs (not meaning to sound self-absorbed, I just don’t know why he would be unattracted to me). I have guys looking at me all the time, but I don’t want them. I want my husband.
    We’ve had a bad past, and I think he may feel some guilt over the things he’s done, as do I.
    I’m afraid to even try to initiate because I get turned down every time. Every time he wants it, he gets it any way he wants, but it’s not often.
    I’m afraid that he just doesn’t like me anymore because most of the time when he does want it, it’s after I try to initiate and I get rejected, then I fall asleep and he does it then.
    I’m so lonely and I feel unwanted and undesirable. We’ve only been married for three months. I don’t know what to do. We only have sex maybe once every two weeks and I am too asleep to enjoy it.

    • Rita Fox

      Get out now, Katie. It won’t get better.

  • Ash

    This is most likely going to be unpopular advice on here but I’m going to say it anyway… Learn how to give your husband amazing oral – Not every man will admit it, but it’s something we all crave. If you’re not into that sort of thing, that’s fine too. (Don’t shoot the messenger!) – I just thought I’d give some different, but very honest advice. If you do want to learn how to blow his mind down there, check out Jacks BJ Lessons. He comes across as a bit arrogant but his tips work very good. You can find it at:
    JacksBJGuide.Com

    If it’s any comfort, sexless marriages are way more common than most people think.

    • Donna Robertson Holloway Emers

      We used to have amazing sex for a long time any time of day. We have been married 3 years. Now if I initiate it he asks if it can wait until night. He watchs TV, etc. and then he wants a quickie or a blow job. I very often don’t climax. What the heck happened.

      • OverIt

        Same here. Married 5 years, very little (good) sex for a couple years now, when it used to be stellar. Now it’s always “I’m too tired” or “can you just give me a quickie/bj” with much pouting if I decline, which I’ve been doing more and more, as he won’t do something “for me” so why should I service him? Sad part is, I like giving BJ’s. But not like this. Where’s the reciprocation? And why? I’m still slim and attractive, so that shouldn’t be the problem. I think when we marry them they stop trying.

        • r

          why he won’t go down on you too? try cleaning up a bit more no offemse

          • OverIt

            No worries there; clean as a whistle, same as always. It’s only been since we got married that he gradually became such a slouch in bed. I really think it’s just laziness; apparently a lot of men think a wedding means they get to stop putting in effort romantically. Those men lose their wives to vibrators if they’re lucky, other men if they’re not.

          • Feelikebeingjezabel

            We just gout married I August of 2018, and the sex is less and less-I’m laying here now and wanting so bad to have sex..does he care? Nope. I’ve tried everything too-only when he initiates it whic if I’m lucky is once a week..I’m sickk of this shit..I’ve never been a cheater, but I’m so tired of this shit. He don’t care!<spoiler>

  • Olivia

    I have been in a sexless marriage for 10 years now. My husband has so many issues and no interest in me or sex I dont think he satisfies himself either. We got into a fight and he claimed he was gay and then he blames me and told me I made him gay then he took the comment back? I said thats a serious comment you dont throw around he claims its no big deal. But all the signs are there I assume hes got to be gay. Any toughts would help me

  • Tony Munoz

    Here’s my reason, i always want sex and 75 percent chance my wife denies me, 5 percent chance she’s the one that initiates anything. It’s been like this for a good while, I’m tired of it, she’s nearing her second trimester, she’s going to be super horny and I’m going to give her a taste of her own medicine. There’s my reason, spite. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, i would try to please her whenever she wanted it even if i wasn’t in the mood.

  • middlechamber

    I have been in a sexless marriage for close to 30 years. I love my wife and would never ask for a divorce, just because of no sex, especially in our age of life. She has a physical and psychological situation, and there is nothing I can do. Unfortunately when it first started she refused to speak about it and because of feeling rejection and a build up of animosity I suffer from depression. Don’t feel sorry, I’m not asking for sympathy, it’s just the way it is.

    • Rita Fox

      Then have a discreet affair. You will so much happier and less depressed. Unless you have guilt feelings. I don’t. Go online and see what happens.

      • Rita Fox

        Just realized this really is a Christan site so my answers are really not going to go over well at all. Sorry folks. No disrespect intended. I just don’t happen to agree with a lot of Christianity.

        • Loss22

          Terrible advice Christian or not. If his wife already has psychological problems do you think it’s do her well to maybe discover this. Yikes! Don’t give anymore advice.

      • middlechamber

        In a remote tightly knit area and too old to draw any interest

  • Susan Chambers

    It’s a mans responsibility to have sex with his wife,I had this problem with my husband too but I was able to find the reason for it after a friend introduced me to an hacker who helped me revealed my husbands hidden secrets and I got to realize he was seeing other women.if a man shows no interest in you then he is ignoring his biological want and it is almost a certainty that he is cheating contact hackersclub727 @gmail. Com today to save your marriage…..

  • patti gaulden santoso

    We have been married 17 years and we have been together 18 years. While not Olympian our sex life was decent. There was the occasional erectile dysfunction or when I caught him masturbating because he didn’t want to “bother” me. On our 10th anniversary I stumbled onto porn on his computer that he freely handed to me to use. I was looking for a photo file. He stood there and lied to me. 3 years later he admitted it. In 2015 he began an affair with a woman off Craigslist. When I discovered it- he lied again, then it was because he wanted to see if he could “keep it up”, then it was my fault. This last October he exploded at me over finances and again started the “Craigslist” routine. That affair was never consummated and I know that for fact. But here I am at 1:27 am in the morning talking to strangers because my frustration is unbearable. My husband checks out physically. He claims- it’s “not me”. I tried to talk tonight and he fell asleep. I pray and try to be patient. I am not sure I can continue.

  • Jen

    Are there any male veterans with PTSD who care to chime in on this? My husband Has tested with both low T and also has..or we’ll had combat related PTSD. A few years in to our marriage and a child later (was nearly impossible to conceive bc of lack of sex), he finally got help for the PTSD. He’s good there now, except the medication I think doesn’t exactly help in the low sex drive department. Unfortunately, he’s been totally unwilling to take anything or make any changes really to address his low T. The longest we’ve gone without sex is 1 year. On average though, I’d say it happens maybe 5 times a year at this point. I’m a sex 5 days a week, maybe twice a day kind of girl. I’m 34, 5’8, 125lb, and I used to be a model. I have a hot plate of home cooked food ready for my husband every night, I keep a near spotless house…the list goes on. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’m pretty convinced that it isn’t anything that I either am or am not doing to make my husband not want sex. I don’t disrespect my man, I know my place. I am mostly quiet and passive.

    I’m an Orthodox Christian and it goes against my faith to cheat or divorce. By Gods grace, I’ve stayed in my marriage. Sadly, I sometimes think to myself that maybe my husband will go before me so that I can once again enjoy intimacy with a man before I die. I never dreamed that this is what married life would be like. I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel trapped. When I bring it up, my husband becomes infuriated and basically tells me to leave if I have a problem with his lack of desire.

    • Shy

      Pretty much in the same boat and I want to scream!!! I’m left feeling unwanted and hopeless because I took a vow and now my sex life died.

  • RR M

    First off, on #8, as a woman in a marriage that has undergone counseling (even before marriage) and argued over sex for years (couple age 29/30 married for 5 together for 7 yrs) I 100% disagree that no sex is worse than bad sex. ”Bad sex” leaves me more angry and feeling worse than none. If I can do a better job with a toy in under 5 minutes it isn’t worth the waste of enegry I put it to make it ‘good/interesting’ for him (especially since nothing works). If he can’t keep it up for 3 minutes, then he needs to deal with whatever the problem is. I am sick of hearing that whatever the problem is (regardless of it is mine or his) that it is mine to broach and it is mine to deal with. I call BS. I have tried everything. Lingerie, losing weight (mind you at my ”fattest” I was 145 lbs, so a bit chubby), getting near abs level low body fat fit (I’m a marathon runner training for a triathlon) cooking, cleaning, etc etc. Every BS thing a stereotype wife should be/do. Nothing has worked. Year after year we have the same fight, and year after year nothing changes. Why is it MY responsibility to bring it up? To deal with it? When it is HIS problem? When I have told him to ask his doctor. When he has told me his doctor said low drive happens and is normal in a 27 year old man? Sure. So I’m supposed to live my life like this? I am tired of being the one to bring it up, and I am tired of him pretending like this has never happened before when he goes limp after 2 minutes or when we haven’t had sex in months. I don’t even know how to bring it up anymore when he pretends like it hasn’t happened before. All I can do is roll over, dejected. 100 times I ask him to do some research and at this point, I call BS on the sheer amount of pressure put on women to entertain their men. If I had a man who gave me a life of luxury and an active sex life, sure, I’ll swoon to his matcho ego and play his game, but let’s face it. For 99% of the population, that isn’t the case. So I ask myself, I have already wasted my 20’s in a lackluster marriage, do I keep going because it is comfortable, or do I fulfill myself as a human being and find someone else who satisfies my sexual and emotional needs? Why is all of the BS I read always tailored to one gender or another? BS. It is a 50/50 game no matter how you slice the pie. If he is old and rich and you are young and hot and that satisfies the needs, yay! If it is two men who meld, yay! Two women, yay! Two whoever who make it work, yay! Stop making the issue about gender and one needing to do something specific to appease the other. Start making it about human beings needing to deal with their problems and stop pretending their problems don’t exist or aren’t their own to deal with. If sex is painful for me, I go to the doctor and find out why and if it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences of my IUD and what it has done to me, then you better believe it is his responsibility to deal with ED and not pretend it is new every time. I will NOT be told it is my fault or my responsibility, and I should not have to be the one to bring it up. If you have a problem, sex related or otherwise, be an adult and deal with it. See a doctor or a therapist. Like this article mentions, I’m not your mom, and frankly, I dont want to be- it is a huge turn off when you can’t survive on your own. Make an appointment or set aside time to talk and deal with it. Is it fun? No. Is it comfortable, no. Welcome to life. If I can roll into a doctor’s office and ask them to shove a wand in my junk to see what’s going on (every 6 months, yay polycystic ovaries at 29) then you better believe I expect a man to be able to roll into his doctor’s office and explain what’s going wrong with his junk and insist on dealing with it instead of taking ‘thats normal/fine’ as an answer when it clearly isn’t. This crap has got to stop. Both genders are guilty and both need to deal with their shit. I’m venting here, but honestly I need to. So here it is.

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  • jeff adamson

    Ladies…there are only a few reasons he won’t.
    1..he is gay
    2..he is impotent
    3…he has a side chick
    4…he is really turned off by you.
    5…he is still mad over something you have done.

  • Cathie2027

    Sheesh . Sex is not that important. Food, shelter, acess to healthcare is.

    You dont need sex to live – it’s for procreation only. Jesus what is wrong with you people!?!

    Are you that insecure with yourselves that you need someone to “desire” you? My god!

    • jeff adamson

      Wow….you are so sad. I really pity your poor husband.

    • OverIt

      So you personally only have sex if you’re hoping to concieve?

  • OverIt

    I finally gave up. I had a brief conversation with my husband, and told him that I have changed my expectation of him, and will no longer be seeking any physical affection from him, since I have to fight and beg for even a hug, and always feel so worthless because of it. (This didn’t become a problem until about 2 years after we got married) We’ve talked about this many times, and he’s had plenty of encouragement and opportunity to do better. We’re basically platonic roommates now.

  • OverIt

    Any men want to chime in on why a husband might say he wants more sex, but also reject all attempts by his wife to have more sex? We’ve gone round and round with this a lot, and it’s so hurtful and frustrating I’m ready to just stop having sex at all to end the cycle.

  • r

    l think the Hollywood idea of men having higher sex drives is not true and mainly comes because men are more vocal when they don’t get sex