Communication Sex and Intimacy

8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me!

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For some reason, we live in a world where it seems like the stereotype for married people and sex is that men need it and women don’t want to cough it up. I don’t know how that happened, but in my marriage, sex is a two-way street. It takes both of you to make it work and it is mutually beneficial for both parities.

I hear women hold sex over a lot of men’s head and I just laugh. Just because women aren’t as visual as men doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex as much as men.

Sex is a gift to be enjoyed.

The Bible pretty much says that married folks should be having sex and lots of it. (No, really it says that the only time to refrain from sex is for a period of time for fasting and praying and that is only for a period of time, otherwise the devil will use that to keep you apart.)

The reality? Out of everyone I know, the married people have the suckiest sex lives. Why are the single people having all the good sex? Doesn’t that go against what the Bible says?

The reason: Sex takes work. Sex is complicated. Sex takes both of you.

Most men can get over things pretty quickly. If Jeanette and I fight, I can get over it and make up in minutes and be totally fine to have sex that night. Women aren’t so quick. Their emotions are involved and they tend to put up some more walls then most men. If those walls stay up, then guys, there is no way it’s happening tonight.

So, Let’s answer this question: Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me?

Here are a few reasons I’ve seen. I don’t know your spouse and your situation, but if I had to guess, it’s one or two of the following things.

Print1. She’s had a bad experience with sex in the past that she’s never worked through.

This could be how she lost her virginity. This could be a situation involving abuse or rape at a younger age. She thought marriage would solve this, but these issues have never been addressed thoroughly and have caused her to just not be interested. My gut is that if you could help her process some of these things or encourage some counseling, then that could be a great start to help her find the healing she needs.

2. She feels guilty.

I was taught growing up that sex was bad. We couldn’t do it and it was off limits. Then one day at 22 I got married and it went from a lifelong RED light to a GREEN light in one day. That’s a tough mental switch to make, and a lot of women still feel that sex is dirty and a bad thing not understanding it is a gift from God. Talk through this stuff. Talk about sex being a great thing. Something to celebrate.

3. She doesn’t enjoy it.

Sorry guys… Let’s just be honest. I’m not saying you have a small penis. Most women don’t care about the size. Its more than that. We live in a world where sex with your self (masturbation) has become the norm, and most men bring this into their marriage. Masturbation has taught you one thing: how you like it. It leaves something out: her.

You get off in your favorite position and think sex is all about what you like. If you approach sex like that? Guess what: she won’t enjoy it. She wants you on top not just behind her all the time. I met a guy whose wife hadn’t had an orgasm in 10 years of having sex. That’s a problem! My suggestion was to communicate. Listen to her. Let her be involved in what she likes, how she likes it, and let her reach orgasm. Don’t believe the lie that says women don’t need to have an orgasm every time. Really work to achieve this together and if not at the same time make sure both of you have the option. (Oh, and one last bit of advice: quit trying to stick it in her butt.)

4. You only touch her when you want sex.

I am not going to bore you with the crock pot vs. the microwave analogy, because I think you’ve probably already heard that. Women need to be touched, kissed, and hugged all the time, not just when you want action. This will go far. Trust me.

5. She’s too tired.

My wife loves to have sex and I think we have a great sex life. I am going to recommend trying to have sex every other day. I have been married 15 years and that is an expectation and goal we both have set. I love 9pm-1am. They’re my best, most productive hours of the day because no one is awake in my house and my phone or email are not getting blown up. My wife is done after about 9pm. So, we put our kids down early so we make sure we have time to connect but I know even though she would like to have sex, if we get too late into the evening, it’s not going to happen. Guys, you might have to get on her schedule.

6. Her walls are up.

These are the walls I talked about earlier. Some of them might not have anything to do with you, but some of them sure do. Guys, we’re stupid. We have no clue that something we said this morning pissed off our wives and they are still upset, or how you’ve been treating her all week or all month or your whole marriage has forced her to build up walls between you. Pay attention to her. Look for signals and ask. Don’t avoid conflict because it is tough. Run towards resolution and get in the sack. The devil is laughing when us married folks sleep in separate beds.

7. She’s insecure about her body.

We live in a world of porn, swimsuit issues, and Victoria’s secret. Most women know they can’t compete with the images of the women we have in our visual hard drive. Have you told her you loved her? Have you told her she is beautiful? Have you told her she is sexy and you still get excited when she steps out of the shower naked? Show her, tell her, and keep the lights on once in a while during sex so you can remind her that you love looking at her.

8. You don’t initiate it.

Call me old school, but the Bible says it’s a husband’s responsibility to lead their wives, and this area is no different. It’s worth it. Stop playing games and seeing how many times you initiate sex compared to how many times she does or doesn’t. You start looking at porn to get what you need and then your sex life is non-existent. If you’re not having sex, then you’re probably masturbating and looking at porn and she probably knows it. Just so you know, the longer men go without sex, the more they desire it, and the longer women go without sex, the more they don’t need it. So you see the problem there. That is getting you nowhere. You lead. You initiate. And when she does initiate, never turn her down.

Okay, that’s all I have right now. There might be more, but my plane is landing and I have to turn off my computer. If you and you wife aren’t having sex and nothing on this list resonates with you, then talk together about what’s going on. Don’t be afraid of that conversation. Don’t avoid it either.

Now get in bed.

***READ THE FOLLOW UP TO THIS BLOG – 8 REASONS MY HUSBAND WON’T HAVE SEX WITH ME


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This article was originally published here and is used with permission.

 

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  • Scott Martin

    All the reasons are wrong, I guess that’s because you’re a man. Nice try, decent web site. I’ll be moving on to someone more able to answer.

  • Alex Timson

    Awesome.

  • BNSFguy

    “You lead. You initiate. And when she does initiate, never turn her down.”

    OK. So it’s not a problem when you initiate and she turns you down constantly, but whenever she wants it and initiates it, we as males should immediately comply. That’s BS. What happened to all these women “who want to be treated equally to their male counterparts” ??? I swear, I’m starting to understand why people turn gay. It would be so much easier than figuring out the opposite sex. Unfortunately I’m not wired that way and only am interested in females. But this is so aggravating the double standard.

    • Dustwitch

      Very easy to see why you never get laid. You get turned down because there is something you are not doing right. Figure it out instead of whining and shooting down possible answers.

      • jeff adamson

        Thats a bs answer. He could be doing everything “right”…or she won’t tell him if he isn’t.

        • Dp

          I agree, Me my GF was on Amizingly God terms, and I turned myself and did 6 months in jail for a chargey she originally caught. She lookedllike she been to Hell and barely made it back. We would kiss, begin dry humping,whenever it would get intense she would create an akward situation or moment. …after about the 5th time I felt very offended because I just got out of jail for doing time for her charge and wrote her the entire time she never wrote me back. Then we’re in the bathroom togethor and she told me you’re not doing nothing wrong trust me it’s not you at all you’re doing everything right.

          • jeff adamson

            Your post is very confusing

          • disqus_Ktfgq5ZUza but

      • WinterWarlock

        Ha! “You get turned down because there is something you are not doing right. Figure it out instead of whining “. After I turned 18 I have been on my own, did all the chores in my own home. After I got married, to a woman who has never lived on her own and who has been with their parents up to the day we got married, suddenly becomes the expert on how to do everything and I become the biggest dumbass ever. Apparently I cannot do anything right, so if my wife doesn’t want to have sex because I do it all wrong. I say she can do it all right then.. I may only get sex from her once a year.. if I’m lucky but I suppose that beats getting yelled at every day and getting denied forever. Whatever happen to compromise and faith in a marriage? I made a promise to love her and support her, and I do. I tell her that everyday and I kiss her. The wife will never say that to me unless I initiate it first, she never has my back because she always thinks I’m wrong.. where is the love for me? As far as I am concerned my wife is being unfaithful to me and she was the one raised in a more churchy family than I. You wonder why divorce rates are higher now than years ago.. well the only thing that has changed is women.. maybe they should get a clue and step off their own high horse.

  • Andros

    I think some of these points are valid….but let’s be honest. The main reason she isn’t putting out is because she isn’t feeling sexual attraction towards you. I know that’s pretty brutal to read…. but it’s better to know the truth so you can do something about it.

    You have to understand that a woman’s sexual desire is far more connected to emotions rather than a physiological need. (Pretty much the complete flip opposite to men) – You need to tap into her emotional side. There’s a brilliant guide by Alex Allman called ‘Passion & Attraction That Lasts’ that I’m sure many on here would find useful. I’ll leave a link to his guide below if anyone wants to check it out:

    PassionThatLasts.Com

    • Cathie2027

      Andros not true, i dont need emotional bs that you mentioned. I look at sex as a chore. I would rather sleep or clean than have sex. Some people have more inportant things to do.

      • jeff adamson

        I pity your poor husband

    • Aila

      Bang on the money, so true.

  • jeff adamson

    Every other day???? Man…id be in heaven. We average about 10 times…in a year! Not for my lack of trying, or telling her I love her, or how beautiful and sexy she is…she just won’t. Its been this way for 30 years.
    Women hold the power and they know it. The number of times a couple has sex is determined by the spouse with the lower sex drive…normally the woman. Why do you think there is so much interest in sports,fishing , hunting, NASCAR, strip bars, golfing…men are trying to fill their time with things that take their minds off of not getting sex.
    Women want romance….but when you try that 10 times and get no results…why bother.

    • Joshua Watson

      Agree…. been married for 14 years and we avg every other month. Her live language is gifts and she gets everything she wants, I need one thing and have told her that and get zero! Hurts. Sucks. Cause you want to stay pure and trustworthy and yet is hard!

      • Justin

        Another guy here who gives very honest effort to make his wife happy – helping around the house, involved in the kids life, I provide a nice house and no need and she stays home to home school the kids. Her love language is acts of service and I help every single day. I don’t watch TV unless she turns it on when we are in bed. We go on vacations, she drives the car she wants. Im kind and caring and dont say mean things or get mad easily. If I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure it out. She’s happy just talking. We rarely kiss or do affectionate things couples typically do. Its painful, and I hate it. We do have random spurts where we have a lot of sex and then as mysteriously as it starts it stops. Its all but impossible to talk to her about it with out her getting angry. Really tired of the pain of feeling unloved, and the physical need for sex starts to hurt after a while too.

        • Justin

          And one other thing. Recently she had the audacity to tell me I should consider personal counseling for the issue as if I’m some addict that can’t function without their next hit. We’ve been to counseling, marriage retreats and everything. Ignorance is not a viable excuse for her. She just doesn’t care. She’s told me multiple times that I’m a man and should be able to handle it. Unbelievably painful to hear stuff like that from the women who vowed to love me the rest of my life!

        • I feel the same and live in a similar situation. The difference is that we have no kids, yet.

          Some of these days she told me that she may not want to have kids when we reach the age that we thought about to be the right moment for this.

          I’ve been trying to find what I have been doing wrong, or if it is even my fault.

          I’m a software developer. Unusual for an IT guy, I keep my health in top shape, exercise almost every day. I cook, clean and iron clothes, fix any problems that may come up at home.

          I think what have been making it more difficult is that I am starting to feel tha I’ve been putted aside, and now I’m feeling depressed…I’m trying to fight it, but it is hard.

          I just don’t know what to do, my friends doesn’t looks like to care or they think it is nothing and will pass.

          I’ve been starting to think about quitting my job and go away, to Europe and live hidden there, another life…maybe alone.

  • Anna

    I’m not insecure AT ALL about my body; I expect sex to be reciprocal, so when my man looks at other women and fantasizes about other women, I will not have sex with him. Many women refuse sex because their man is looking at instamodels, porn, coworkers on fb, etc. Women do not want to be a receptacle for their man’s fantasy life.

    • John

      Anna, I think if your man is looking at porn, there is something to be said, but I would question why he is looking at porn. Maybe he has no confidence that your being reciprocal is not as obvious as you think.

  • Kevin

    I’ve been married 14 years. Apparently this is a common problem with no resolve. Only a woman knows why she will or won’t have sex. Men are left with the annoying burden of reprogramming our natural desire to simply have sex (unabated). No wonder folks are opting out of marriages…yet another unhealthy relationship that’s supposedly a sacred institution. We’ve all been fooled into a lifetime union by theological guilt that no one understands.

  • On1yAdam

    🤔 I can sum all 8 reasons up in 1. Your wife is a member of 40% of women who never actually loved her husband. Hell, this post might as well promote prostitution and strip clubs….that way a man can vent is sexual urges then go home and hug his wife and blaming him for shot that isn’t his fault. No wonder countries that practice polygamy have higher success marriage success rates.

    • Cathie2027

      Not really. As women age they lose their sex drives-just like men become impotent. Its natures way to focus on what matters, kids, gradnkids etc etc

  • Chen

    We’ve been married for only 11 years and i think I’m at the precipice of annulling our marriage. Of the 11 years, we hadn’t made love for about 8 years… during the first 3 years of our marriage we were going at it about once every month. Now, the average is zero. We don’t procreate, i can keep touching and hugging and pecking her on the cheek but she won’t let me touch her sexually. I am going insane i think. Then again if i was insane I wouldn’t know it. I am an emotional wreck and I have reached the crossroads in my life where i have to make the decision to fix my failing marriage or press the reset button and start anew. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Anon

    Im a woman. And Im a Christian. My husband never initiates. He doesnt musturbate either. Its basically as though he doesnt like it. I stopped initiating and he’s been okay with that 7 months now. The Bible says a man should lead the wife. He does not lead. I’ve encouraged him to lead. I try to do my humanly best to respect him and be loyal. I never bad mouth him , train our children to respect him as the main authority. He never grew up in an atmosphere where the man is number one in the home. He is uncomfortable being in charge. I only learned about proper Christian roles a year and a half ago. I am learning and growing and he is still upset with me as like a little child. It’s a painfully patient experience that we’re going through. I feel helpless sometimes. “He’s the man, he’s supposed to take control but if I tell him to, I will be in control!”. I guess what Im frustrated with is he hasnt woken up and taken the reigns yet… nor does he have any interest… he is one that tries and gives up at slightest resistance and never tries again. Men you want more sex? Be the Man of the house!

    • LoneHub

      I wish my wife did to me what you did to your hubby. Being the man of the house, I have received disrespect in front of my children and MIL in multiple occasions. In the beginning the Bible passage that says ‘there are no marriages in heaven’ bothered me but now it would be a relief. I am not innocent after. I brought this to myself. I married an unbeliever. Did Bible study at home, family prayer, church class, baptism. She did that just for name sake. Never marry an unbeliever guys, never. You are even more trapped when you have children. I stay together because that way at least I can teach bible and prayer life to children but if I separate then they would be lost.

    • Cathie2027

      Anon you are lucky. I dont care for sex and cannot wait til my husband is older so that he cant function down there and loses his sex drive… please god make it happen fast!

      • jeff adamson

        You are a horrible person. I only hope your poor husband finds a good woman.

  • LoneHub

    Size does matter to woman (esp. if they were experienced). No need to sugarcoat the truth. It comes out implicitly.
    Sex life went to zero when mother-in-law started living together and all of a sudden she became priority no. 1 in her life and husband came only after the children. Love does make a person blind but marriage becomes an eye opener. It’s a trap!

  • OverIt

    If I’m feeling unsatisfied in any area of the marriage, I’m not aroused. One of the worst things is to work all day, come home, do everything for the house and kids, then listen to husband complain about money, kids, the dinner I made, everything under the sun, then turn around and want sex. Ummmm, no. At this point in the day, I’m tired, resentful that he sat on his tail all evening while I did everything, and hurt and angry that he had the nerve to complain about. Him not contributing at home with kids and housework, and not appreciating what I do is my absolute #1 reason for not wanting sex with my husband.

  • Stuntman Davey

    My wife told me out of the blue she felt I treated her like a whore. I have no idea what that even ment but decided to play her game. I told her I was sorry if I made her feel like a whore (albeit we had sex about every three or four months after several failed attempts at initiating on my part) and I would make sure she never feels that way again. She thanked me for understanding her feelings and walked away. So I decided she can do all initiating for sex, as in a role reversal. Five years later, sex 3 times and she gets angry as I never initiate sex. Flat out told her she owns our sex life as I keep my promise not to make her feel like a whore. On top of that I never touch her, kiss her, hug her, hold her hand, etc. She tells me she feels unloved. I tell her that may be but she doesnt ever feel like a whore now. I’ve learned sex is supply and demand. But what happens when the husband now longer has a demand for sex from his wife who is the supplier ? Her supply of sex means nothing without demand. It sucks not having sex now but I do take consolation knowing I’m not required to meet all her BS need of emotional closeness, etc sobshe can be in the mood for sex. Guys, if she wants to withold sez, then you need to withold emotions. Men breath sex, woman breth emotions. Fight back, dont give her that emotional closeness and hours of talking she craves so she can expierence what it is like for you to go without sex. I delight knowing that my wife craves and complains to me I’m not romantic or act like I care. I just simply answer with an, “okay” and go about my business.

  • Randy compton

    My wife and I haven’t had sex in months what can I do to fix it

  • Eric Davis

    bottom line, my SO is just not turned on by me, I think she is disgusted by me. I’ve lost significant weight, built up muscle. (Lost over 70lbs, dropped down to less than 25% BF) but she still aint turned on by me. She hasn’t touched me in 6 weeks. Guess I’m just in a sexless marriage. Oh well….until it’s not…..or I decide to not be in one.

  • Leo

    Please!
    My wife won’t have sex with me because I don’t have a job but I have a salaried position as musician at the church , also a business that generates income as well. I think it’s pretty stupid to try in initiate when once you’ve tried and got turned down. I’m good on it!!! I never knew the Bible to have “that type” of condition(S) “get a job and I’ll be sexually” so now I’m God and Husband. I surely didn’t die for you… I’m waiting on our appt with therapist because quite frankly… My marriage is for the birds!!! 11 yrs. children! What if I lose the just I get “in not the type to lose jobs either” IS THAT LOVE? Really!! Delusional!!!!! So tired of feeling like I’m a bad guy, loser, failure or seen as my potential is a job with a $31 dollar an hour wage. I know it’s someone out there who’d love me for me and call my potential out. “Baby, you a billionaire” I’m here to help you obtain it. Where that at? When you have a wife who’s mother walked out on her and family as teenager…. SHE HAS NO EXAMPLE OF A GREAT , Godly marriage but I do. But, I’m tired! Tired of believing in something where I feel so by myself. Right now if anything happened to me. The first person I’d want called is my baby brother.

    Peace ✌🏾