For some reason, we live in a world where it seems like the stereotype for married people and sex is that men need it and women don’t want to cough it up. I don’t know how that happened, but in my marriage, sex is a two-way street. It takes both of you to make it work and it is mutually beneficial for both parities.
I hear women hold sex over a lot of men’s head and I just laugh. Just because women aren’t as visual as men doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex as much as men.
Sex is a gift to be enjoyed.
The Bible pretty much says that married folks should be having sex and lots of it. (No, really it says that the only time to refrain from sex is for a period of time for fasting and praying and that is only for a period of time, otherwise the devil will use that to keep you apart.)
The reality? Out of everyone I know, the married people have the suckiest sex lives. Why are the single people having all the good sex? Doesn’t that go against what the Bible says?
The reason: Sex takes work. Sex is complicated. Sex takes both of you.
Most men can get over things pretty quickly. If Jeanette and I fight, I can get over it and make up in minutes and be totally fine to have sex that night. Women aren’t so quick. Their emotions are involved and they tend to put up some more walls then most men. If those walls stay up, then guys, there is no way it’s happening tonight.
So, Let’s answer this question: Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me?
Here are a few reasons I’ve seen. I don’t know your spouse and your situation, but if I had to guess, it’s one or two of the following things.
This could be how she lost her virginity. This could be a situation involving abuse or rape at a younger age. She thought marriage would solve this, but these issues have never been addressed thoroughly and have caused her to just not be interested. My gut is that if you could help her process some of these things or encourage some counseling, then that could be a great start to help her find the healing she needs.
2. She feels guilty.
I was taught growing up that sex was bad. We couldn’t do it and it was off limits. Then one day at 22 I got married and it went from a lifelong RED light to a GREEN light in one day. That’s a tough mental switch to make, and a lot of women still feel that sex is dirty and a bad thing not understanding it is a gift from God. Talk through this stuff. Talk about sex being a great thing. Something to celebrate.
3. She doesn’t enjoy it.
Sorry guys… Let’s just be honest. I’m not saying you have a small penis. Most women don’t care about the size. Its more than that. We live in a world where sex with your self (masturbation) has become the norm, and most men bring this into their marriage. Masturbation has taught you one thing: how you like it. It leaves something out: her.
You get off in your favorite position and think sex is all about what you like. If you approach sex like that? Guess what: she won’t enjoy it. She wants you on top not just behind her all the time. I met a guy whose wife hadn’t had an orgasm in 10 years of having sex. That’s a problem! My suggestion was to communicate. Listen to her. Let her be involved in what she likes, how she likes it, and let her reach orgasm. Don’t believe the lie that says women don’t need to have an orgasm every time. Really work to achieve this together and if not at the same time make sure both of you have the option. (Oh, and one last bit of advice: quit trying to stick it in her butt.)
4. You only touch her when you want sex.
I am not going to bore you with the crock pot vs. the microwave analogy, because I think you’ve probably already heard that. Women need to be touched, kissed, and hugged all the time, not just when you want action. This will go far. Trust me.
5. She’s too tired.
My wife loves to have sex and I think we have a great sex life. I am going to recommend trying to have sex every other day. I have been married 15 years and that is an expectation and goal we both have set. I love 9pm-1am. They’re my best, most productive hours of the day because no one is awake in my house and my phone or email are not getting blown up. My wife is done after about 9pm. So, we put our kids down early so we make sure we have time to connect but I know even though she would like to have sex, if we get too late into the evening, it’s not going to happen. Guys, you might have to get on her schedule.
6. Her walls are up.
These are the walls I talked about earlier. Some of them might not have anything to do with you, but some of them sure do. Guys, we’re stupid. We have no clue that something we said this morning pissed off our wives and they are still upset, or how you’ve been treating her all week or all month or your whole marriage has forced her to build up walls between you. Pay attention to her. Look for signals and ask. Don’t avoid conflict because it is tough. Run towards resolution and get in the sack. The devil is laughing when us married folks sleep in separate beds.
7. She’s insecure about her body.
We live in a world of porn, swimsuit issues, and Victoria’s secret. Most women know they can’t compete with the images of the women we have in our visual hard drive. Have you told her you loved her? Have you told her she is beautiful? Have you told her she is sexy and you still get excited when she steps out of the shower naked? Show her, tell her, and keep the lights on once in a while during sex so you can remind her that you love looking at her.
8. You don’t initiate it.
Call me old school, but the Bible says it’s a husband’s responsibility to lead their wives, and this area is no different. It’s worth it. Stop playing games and seeing how many times you initiate sex compared to how many times she does or doesn’t. You start looking at porn to get what you need and then your sex life is non-existent. If you’re not having sex, then you’re probably masturbating and looking at porn and she probably knows it. Just so you know, the longer men go without sex, the more they desire it, and the longer women go without sex, the more they don’t need it. So you see the problem there. That is getting you nowhere. You lead. You initiate. And when she does initiate, never turn her down.
Okay, that’s all I have right now. There might be more, but my plane is landing and I have to turn off my computer. If you and you wife aren’t having sex and nothing on this list resonates with you, then talk together about what’s going on. Don’t be afraid of that conversation. Don’t avoid it either.
Now get in bed.
***READ THE FOLLOW UP TO THIS BLOG – 8 REASONS MY HUSBAND WON’T HAVE SEX WITH ME
Don't give up on your marriage. It is worth the effort and investment. If you feel like your marriage is struggling, or even failing, there is hope. There is healing.